He bottles up my tears....

I am sad tonight.
Hurting, upset and jealous.
It is late. I am awake. This sucks.
I miss Olivianna. I want her.

Today my two cousins picked Adi up to go play. They are both pregnant and have little ones. Then I went to lunch with a friend who is 5 months pregnant and we talked a lot about being pregnant. Tonight we went to Luke's cousins for dinner, they just had a little baby. His name is Cameron. (He is 8 weeks old). He is so adorable.

As I look back on my day...I feel like I had a smile on my face for everyone else....but inside I was just trying to stay above water. I was trying to pretend like it was all okay, like I am dealing well with not having Olivianna in my arms. Truth is...I am so weak. I crumble at night. I pray each day that the Lord will sustain me...get me through it. Make it to tomorrow.

I know the truth. He will carry me on wings like eagles. He will sustain me. He will uphold me with His righteous right hand. Sometimes my heart and mind just have a hard time agreeing. Especially when I am tired.
Jesus, I am not strong. I can not be strong. I need to limp. Help me to limp in a way that brings you glory and peace in my heart. I desire to draw closer to you as I don't understand why my baby girl is not in my arms, but yours. I KNOW that she is in a much better place. Please help me to have an eternal perspective while I mourn over her. Help me to look to you for hope of a brighter future. You promise that You will turn my mourning into dancing.
Thank you Jesus.

Today I dropped off a card for Dr. Altman at his office. I continue to pray for him. That he will not be able to get off his mind the peace and assurance Luke and I had that our baby girl was forever in heaven with Jesus. Lord, soften his heart and open his eyes to your unfailing love and his need for a savior.

Tomorrow I am leaving for Pinecrest with my family. We are going for 2 days...just to get away and relax. I am looking forward to being out in God's beautiful creation. FATHER, PLEASE SHOW ME GLIMPSES OF YOUR GLORY.

I love you Lord Jesus.