Monday, November 23, 2009


My boy.
Jude Aukerman Grover.
I am so excited about him and am joyfully anticipating the day when he is placed into my arms.
My belly is growing, as are the aches and pains, but my heart is what is growing the most. My love for this little guy seems to be more real as the days speed on...closer to meeting him. It is real. He is real. He is alive and he is healthy:)

More now than ever do I just want to BE. I want to BE still. BE joyful. BE generous. BE loving. Be happy. BE content. BE a mom....and BE a confident child of God. I want to work out my salvation on a daily basis....seeking God for what that means and what that looks like in my life. I want to sit and teach Adi and Jude what that means in their lives as they grow and become more mature. I want to help shape their lives for the purposes that God has for them. I want to show them what good gifts our father in heaven lavishes on us.
Speaking of good gifts.....
Luke and I just came out of a very demanding three week journey in our parenting travels. As I have said before, once you get the hang of one stage, the sweet little ones change things up on you! Well this challenge left me feeling completely and utterly helpless and feeling inadequate as a mother. Adi went through a three week stage of fighting going to the bathroom. It started after she had a painful BM one evening. She decided in her mind right then that she was not going to go to the bathroom again until she was an adult. Her personality started to change as she became consumed inside herself trying to hold it all in. She couldn't concentrate, couldn't play, couldn't barely hold a normal conversation, couldn't eat....and wouldn't poop.
Every other night became a fight as we made her go to the bathroom. Often times having to use an enema or medicine so that she couldn't stop it. She would go on the floor, in her underwear, anywhere but on the toilet. Luke and I, we begged God for healing for her. We begged God to help her to go poop. We begged Him to relieve her fear. We prayed over her constantly. Prayed over her bedroom and the bathroom. We researched this issue on the Internet and found that it happens often around this age when new things are happening (like a brother or sister being born), or after a terribly painful BM. I finally decided to take Adi to the doctor, as they told me on the phone to bring her in if it lasted longer than three weeks. The doctor told me that this could last for up to 6 months, but that I just had to be persistent with encouraging her to use the toilet, and giving her mirolax to aide in the process. I left the doctors visit a bit frustrated and discouraged, as I was hoping that there was a "miracle drug" that would fix her right up!

God was definitely teaching me patience!
In the evening after our doctors appointment, Adi got down from the dinner table and said "mommy, I have a tummy ache, I have to go poop." And what do you MIRACLE happened! As quickly as her fear set in, that evening it left. The Lord healed her of this fear that had consumed her for 3 weeks.
I praised her that night. I jumped for joy for her. The burden on my heart was released and all I could do was say "THANK YOU JESUS. THANK YOU JESUS!" for healing my girl. And as I cried this out to the Lord, Adi sat there in the bath singing "I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul."
What a good God I serve. His love is more faithful than the morning...and His gifts are mighty good. I praise Him for my baby boy, and for my big girl, and for blessing me with more than I could ever deserve.

May my actions each day reflect the gratitude in my heart for the One who created me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I have fallen prey to the lie that being busy is being beneficial and fruitful. My life keeps racing by at warped speed stealing all energy and joy from my existence. Exhaustion and stress set in. My relationships suffer. My home suffers. My health suffers. My soul suffers.
How do I get out? How do I "come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened?" What does an "easy yoke" even look like? How do I learn to be a branch and not a self sustaining vine? How? why? when? Please. Lord. help. me. NOW.

In The too-busy book, Linda Anderson writes, ""We enter the second, exhilarating lap of our lives, running headlong and happily past the mile markers of career, ministry, marriage, and children--adding as we go along. It works for a while. Time passes. Now we sprint, gasping for air, and juggling as we run. Obstacles pop up, and vicious winds threaten to send us spinning off the track. We ache with our efforts to run on dissipating fuel. Our bodies stretch and bend past capacity. Our breathing is heavy and labored. We don't give up, but everything starts to hurt more. And we don't notice scenery along the way. Joy fades. Our flagging energy focuses solely on the race, but we keep the pace, retaining the lead outwardly but slipping inside. We're winded, stressed, and losing track of why we're running the first place, and why we're running alone."

There has been a discomfort and uneasiness in my life for the last few months that I have wrestled and wrestled with. It began when God met me in the quiet and whispered into my soul that I am not on the path that He has for me. At the time, I probably whispered back "okay God, then show me," said "amen" and walked right back into the insanity like I had never heard a thing. But over the months the whisper has turned into a shout and what I once considered normal and livable no longer satisfies. God is calling for radical change to take place.

I am learning that sometimes the path that we are on is not far off from what God has for us. Sometimes we are merely steps from the path, walking through the weeds and the brush instead of the smooth and cleared pathway that He so graciously designed for our lives. I so desperately want that peace of knowing that I am where He wants me....but that peace will only come through my obedience to move directions.

And so here I am. After a crazy morning running around town. A crazy afternoon with a very constipated and uncomfortable 3 year old. After a crazy evening trying to straighten up my house and get Adi into bed for the 9th time. And a crazy emotional breakdown in front of her on her bedroom floor....I am surrendering. I am BEGGING God for change. I am pleading with Him to stop the insanity of my soul. Because I can't do it any longer.

I can't stand that I don't just sit and play with Adi for a good chunk of the day. It bothers me that my agenda is always filled up, even if it is just "stuff" to do around the house....because that seems to be never ending. I dislike the feeling of impatience when Adi is simply getting into the car, or washing her hands after the restroom, or enjoying her food. I get all pushed out of shape, like the world is waiting for me to save it or something. All I really need to be doing is focusing on my relationship with Jesus, my relationship with Luke, my relationship with my girls, and asking Christ daily what His agenda is for me.

Change. It is a scary thing, but Oh so necessary in our lives at times. I will learn to trust in Christ as He continues to mold me and make me more like Him. I will hold on tight through the journey of rerouting and recovering. I will REST in the manna given to me today. For He is faithful.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. it does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. Psalm 23:1-2

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6