I miss you

Olivianna,

We miss you.

As we prepared to give our testimony this last week of how Jehovah Shalom has been real and powerful in our lives, we remembered you.

As we stood up on the stage at church fighting back tears as we told your story, we remembered you.

As I lay in bed at night hugging my Olivianna bear...I remember you.

As I read stories of other CDH babies, I remember you.

As we thank the Lord for His goodness in our life, we remember you.

As I look at your daddy, I remember you.

As I look at your sister, I remember you.

Olivianna, we remember you each day.

We love you so much and are excited for the day that we will see you again.

I can't imagine how incredibly amazing it must be to be praising Jesus Christ face to face.

You are a lucky girl!

I love you baby,

your mommy

A picture from our drive on Sunday....taking a break to stretch the legs!

It has been a challenging week both emotionally and physically. Adi became sick at the end of last week and had fluids coming out both ends! She is not the easiest when she is not feeling well, instead of getting sweet and snuggly...she typically gets cranky and whiny! While Adi is feeling better now, I am stuck with the flu. I started to feel sick on Monday night but knew I needed to be strong for MOPS yesterday mornning. It was literally minutes after our meeting that the achiness and yuckiness fully kicked in. On top of not feeling well, I am in desperate need of more sleep. Please pray that I feel better soon, I have a lot of committments this week that I cannot break.

On the emotional side....I struggled this weekend with acceptance. I continually felt like I was not being a good mom, wife, friend and leader. I struggled accepting myself I guess. So often when this happens, I take my issues out on Luke as if to punish him for my shortcomings and sin. I blame him for not loving me the way I want him to at the moment, blame him for my mothering skills (or lack thereof), blame him for how sucky life sometime feels, blame him for things he has nothing to do with...and absolutely no control of.
This is one reason that I need a savior. I need help controlling my anger and feelings. I need help in the daily living that makes or breaks my witness as a follower of Christ. I need help loving my husband (although he is about the easiest thing in the world to love!!!) the way he deserves to be loved. I need to be redeemed and forgiven each day...Thank you, Jesus!

An additional reason to be emotional....(in a good way though)...
I watched the video of Olivianna's birth for the first time on Monday. Pastor Rick Countryman asked Luke and I to give our testimony at all three services this week of how we have experienced Jehovah Shalom (The Lord is peace) in our lives. I thought that it would be a good idea to go back and remember the day. (Not that I have forgotten any of it at all, but I wanted to see her movement again, hear the words I whispered to her, experience the peace that Christ truly brought to us that day.) She was so beautiful and angelic.
Tears fell the rest of the afternoon as I hugged Adi a little tighter, wishing that I could hug my Olivianna too.


One year ago this week we jumped on our bed and cried over new life growing inside of me.
Three months ago today we sat in that hopital room and cried over her death.

So much healing has been going on in my heart and I praise the Lord for it.

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again REJOICE! (Phil 4:4)
Whether in life or death, I am called to Rejoice....and that is what I choose to do!

Adi and I rejoicing!!!

This is the sweetness that happens when you let a 23 month old dress herself!

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fails. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

This last week I had the opportunity to take some photos of Dora and Brian. They are due in early October and are so very excited for their bundle of joy to arrive!

See more pics on agrover picture blog (on the sidebar)

Thanks Dora and Brian for a wonderful evening! You are a beautiful couple!

Wow, what a weekend of learning!

I spent Saturday and Sunday with my dad at a Nikon Photography conference in Foster City. It was an amazing two days of learning, meeting people and inspirational photographs. I definitely walked away with a greater desire to push myself in my passion of photography. I want to be more intentional about my subjects, adding my own perspective and creativity to what I shoot. The seminar also made me realize how much I need to learn technique and forethought in my photography.


This morning I woke up and had an itch to capture precious moments. What better a subject than Adalin Rose! I know that I use her as my subject a lot, but I just can't help it... She is stinken cute and animated! We hopped out the door at around 8:15 and headed toward the hills. We ended up in Knights Ferry and had a great time hiking, looking for lizards, peeking under rocks, racing across the covered bridge, and finished our little adventure eating fishies with our feet in the river! Everything was a golden amber color, it was beautiful!

Here are a couple photographs I shot this morning. My goal this morning was to shoot only in manual (no automatic). This was tricky for me because I have started to rely so much on auto settings. These are not the best....but they were fun to take!

The holy spirit braugth me back to a scripture this morning that really absorbed into my soul. Isaiah 40: 28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Last night Luke and I were laying in bed talking when suddenly emotion completely flooded both of our hearts. Why is Olivianna gone? Why did she have to be the one in 2500 to have CDH? Why did she have to have several abnormalities? Why can't we hold both of our daughters at the same time? Why WHY...WHY...WHY????

These questions make us weak.....

But these verses fill us with endless hope, because He is the creator of the universe...He does not grow weary or tired...He renews our strength when we trust in Him....and He knows the answers to our "whys"...and I believe it is to make us more like Him.

Many expressions from my sweet heart Rose...

I have been wanting to post this video on my blog for awhile now.

Thanks again Christine for all of the time and love you put into it. (Love you girl!)

My Grace is enough...

God's grace truly is enough....and He keeps reminding me of it.

I will start by telling a little about our Hawaii trip. Luke and I had a much needed relaxing time away. For 8 days we slept a lot, tanned on the beach, swam in the ocean, ate lots of good food, read some great books, talked a lot, watched some tv, drove around in our Mustang convertible, took lots of pictures, went to a luau, snorkeled, hiked and well....just had a wonderfully refreshing time together. It is amazing how quickly I can relax while I am on "vacation." Not a stress in the world....

Well, except for the night that someone broke into our condo while we were sleeping and stole both Luke and my wallets. They cut right through the screen, unlocked the door, shut it and locked it behind them. Then, they graciously passed up the two cameras and laptop that were sitting on the dresser and went for the money. We woke up to the front door slamming shut behind them at 2:40 a.m. As one could imagine, after our house got "shot up" back in March, we are a little jumpy to loud bangs late at night!!!

So, we spent about half of the next day talking to police, the condo security/managers, cancelling credit cards, freezing checking accounts, fraud alerts and getting money sent via western union from my parents back home.

Luke and I prayed that we would find the wallets. We even went and looked for them (around the condo). The security guards probably thought that we were crazy thinking that we would fine them. We prayed, knowing that they were not lost to God, asking Him to get them back.

And...we did. We received a phone call that evening from my parents who had received a phone call from a hotel in kaanapali about a mile from ours. The night crew had found our wallets, with everything in them but the cash!
Praise the Lord.

Although it has been a hassle getting bank accounts started again, we praise the Lord that we have all of our cards back, and don't have to go to the dmv. He totally took care of us.

It reminded me that even in a place the world calls "paradise," we are still not "safe." We will only be free from the attacks of Satan when we are present with Jesus Christ. Then, we will truly be safe. I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-I have overcome the world!" John 16:33

I praise the Lord that we can still have peace and rest while in this world, if we trust in Jesus that His grace is enough.

MOPS (mother's of preschoolers) started yesterday and for the last 5 days I had been crazy busy getting ready for our first meeting. It went really well and I think that the ladies had a great time getting to know each other and having a break from the kiddos.

All of the late nights that I stayed up prepping for the meeting finally took a toll on my emotional health and I totally crashed yesterday. My spirit seemed to crash as well.

Seeing all of those babies at our meeting made me a little sad. A baby that was in front of me is 2 or 3 days older than Olivianna would be if she were here with us...it made me emotional to think that she would be about that size.

It made me miss her so much.

....so much that I had to visit her grave this afternoon.

It felt good. I sat next to the mound of dirt that looks the same as the day we buried her, and simply told her how much I miss her. I placed some pretty white roses in the flower buckets and took the old flowers out. God was whispering peace into my soul.

And what do you know...when I got back into the car, the song "My grace is enough" was on!

Not a coincidence I guarantee!!!

Another monumental event has been happening at our house the last few days...

Adi has not had her pacifier to go to sleep for 5 days now. She also has been going potty in the big girl potty. She sits on her potty with her book and concentrates so hard. She is also figuring out that she can "stall" when it is time to go to nap or bed by saying that she needs to go potty. How quickly they learn to manipulate!!!

We are very proud of her and are excited about this new phase. She is growing up so fast.

Well, off to bed. I seem to feel better during the day when I am well rested (who would of thought!!!)

Until next post...HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH!

Hawaii

I just can't wait...

I have been so busy since we got home yesterday, I haven't had time to blog.

Here are some pics for those of you who just can't wait to see them either!!!!

I will post on our Hawaii trip in the morning!

Black sand beach

The seven sacred pools (The road to Hana)

Hottie

A huge hole we found in the side of the mountain on our drive

Luke inside of a cave

The beauty of the Lord

On our way to the Luau

Take me to the cross