Two Months Ago Tomorrow
There is not a feeling in the world that matches the feeling of carrying a baby inside of you that cannot live outside of you. For three months and 12 days I learned how to deal with these emotions. I learned how to smile when people said "Congratulations, what are you having?" I learned how to live a somewhat normal life when I knew death was most likely close in the future. I learned how to rely more on Christ for His strength, how to ask and rely on my friends and family for help, and how to find joy in the middle of the storm. In the day of Trouble I sought the Lord:
Psalm 77
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked: "Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds." Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed. The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder;your arrows flashed back and forth. Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked. Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters,though your footprints were not seen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked: "Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds." Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed. The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder;your arrows flashed back and forth. Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked. Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters,though your footprints were not seen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.
The wondering, the hopes and fears, the unknown, the need to make every day count, the prayers and pleads, the nights I cried myself to sleep, and the nights when I couldn't even shed a tear.
And two months ago right now, We laid in bed and talked to our baby girl. We told her that tonight would be the last night with her inside of me. That tomorrow she would not have the security of my womb. That she would enter this world, that she would have to fight....but we also assured her that she did not have to fight. She could go be with Jesus.
And that is exactly what happened...
The morning of her birth was so peaceful. I woke up early and took a shower. I got ready for the day. "Today is the day I get to meet my little girl!" I thought to myself. I was joyfully and dreadfully excited. Luke and I drove to Memorial Hospital silently. Probably both speaking to Jesus. Still praying for a miracle.
Our family was in a conference room just down the hall. They too were praying for a miracle. Hundreds of people were lifting us up to the throne of Grace. And we surely experienced the peace that surpasses all understanding in such a sad, yet sacred situation.
I must interject something right here...
I prayed and prayed for a miracle. I begged God to heal her body. I had faith that He could. I had faith that He would according to His purpose (heaven or earth), and I had faith that He wanted me to rest knowing that my girl was going to go home to be with Him. I never heard Him tell me that she was healed. As much as I tried to hear that...I couldn't. I only heard "Wait on Me" (see post http://groverteam22.blogspot.com/2008/06/wait-on-me.html)
I truly believe that is why June 24th was such a peaceful day. I was not waiting on my miracle. I was waiting on My Jesus to get me through. He truly HELD Luke and I that day. He truly HELD Olivianna that day. He holds her today!
June 24, 2008 1:00:43 p.m- 1:11:06 p.m.
LIFE
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
BLESSED be the name of the Lord..." Job 1:21
BLESSED be the name of the Lord..." Job 1:21
Olivianna's heart was flown overnight to southern California for a heart/heart valve transplant. I pray and trust that the Lord has "given" to another mom who pleaded with Him for her baby to have a healthy heart. I pray that one day, Luke and I will know which body Olivianna's heart lived in. I pray for that child, for health...for strength, and for that family to know Christ and His faithfulness all the more.
Two months ago tomorrow.....
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3 comments:
I love you...
Hi Amber and Luke-
I am so blessed by your sharing. The Lord allowed me to come into being after my parents lost two boys between my sister and I. I have always been blessed by the knowledge of these precious brothers of mine. As life would unfold, The Lord has allowed for me to walk with several close friends in the lose of their newborns and I a miscarriage between my son and daughter. May the Lord continue to walk with you as you choose to give Him Glory even in the midst of longing for your precious Baby Girl.
Love in Christ- Totten Family
(Friend of DANIELIAN'S)
Amber, I wasn't sure if this would be better placed here or on an earlier post, but this poem reminds me so much of us. Different circumstances, same Lord.
WAIT
(Taken from "Follow Me!" by Russell Kelfer, copyright 1995.)
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, He replied.
I pleaded, and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait."
"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why.
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future, and all to which I can relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me 'wait'?
I'm needing a 'yes,' or a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no,' to which I can resign.
"And Lord, you have promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this in my cry:
I'm weary of asking: I need a reply!"
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God; "So I'm waiting, for what?"
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes met with mine
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, darken the sun,
Raise the dead, cause the mountains to run.
"All you see- I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust, just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me,
When darkness and silence was all you could see.
"You would never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth and the beat of my heart.
"The glow of My comfort late in the night'
The faith that I give when you walk without sight;
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinate God who makes what you have last.
"And you never would know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for that loved one o'ernight could come true,
But the loss! if you lost what I'm doing in you.
"So be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all...is still...wait."
~C
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