Cost me so much....

The last two weeks have again been very emotional. Amy and Rob Powell had their second child, Karlie Sue, on the 24th of April. She is healthy and beautiful. Cesalie and Brian Bunch had their second daughter, Pearl, on Sat. May 3rd. She is healthy and beautiful.
I am so excited for new life. It just hurts.
I have been praying all along that I will not be jealous of, or angry at, or distant from my cousins and friends that are having babies. The Lord has been faithful. It does nonetheless remind me of the situation that has and will forever change my life. I long for my Olivianna to live. I feel her moving inside of me each day and pray that I will be able to experience her moving around in my arms outside of the womb. Lord, make her lungs.
Please, I cry out to you...make her lungs. Make her a diaphragm. Make her healthy.
But even if you do not...I will still praise you and bow down before your holy thrown. For you alone are awesome and great and faithful in every situation.
I thank you Lord for bringing my heart back to you. The distance I felt for those 2 years were so hard on my soul. My bones were so dry...and like you did with the Israelites, you breathed life into them and made them dance again. I know right now that it is hard to find it in me to dance...but you promise me that one day, I will go out in the streets again and dance with tambourines and singing. I will dance one day with my sweet Olivianna in the streets of heaven, bowing down to your feet singing "holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty, who was, and is, and is to come."
Praise Jesus.
This week we also called wood colony to find out about burial plots, and if Olivianna could be buried in the cemetery there. Luke took care of this for us, and is bearing the weight of the planning. He knows my heart can not handle it.
I am 26 years old.
Lord, what are you purposing in me that has to cost me so much?