REST

The Golden Gate Bridge

San Fransisco

Our family (photos by Trishia Filbrun)

Tea party with my sweet girl

My little lady

Playing in mommies wedding dress

Favorite thing to do in the house...

We visited Olivianna's grave last week.

I am sitting at my computer right now, with a huge bowl of ice cream in front of me, nervous and scared to even start typing. Night after night I have thought about blogging. I have started a post, and canceled it too many times to count. I have become overwhelmed inside with my thoughts and feelings, and it has seemed too big a task to put my thoughts down in writing.

I must make myself. I must dig inside and try to figure out exactly what these feelings are, and pray that getting them out will some how will help.

I apologize in advance if I seem blunt or too honest. I guess this is my blog and though I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, it is kind of like my diary (open to the public) and it helps me deal and heal.

The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. One day life will be happy and smelling like beautiful roses. The sky is blue, the birds are chirping cheerfully outside of my window, a smile is on my face, joy in my heart, a jump in my step. And then suddenly something will change. Raw raw raw emotion cuts deep into my heart. I see a big beautiful belly carrying a baby, I hear the cry of a newborn, I learn that yet another friend is pregnant, I start my period...

It all slowly tears a layer off of my heart. Sometimes ripping it quickly, sometimes so slowly that I can physically feel it.

The smile on my face is rooted in a deep joy and peace in Jesus Christ, but it is so often a reaction because I know that is what Christ calls me to do. To love others, to rejoice with them when they rejoice, to weep with them when they weep. I guess I am struggling to do both genuinely. I get scared to listen to the good, because it makes me sad for myself. I get scared to listen to the bad, because it makes me scared that something will happen again.

I am really having to lean on Christ and rest in Him. His promises for me. His plan for my life. His purposes and protection. My eyes start looking down so often and the Holy Spirit quietly whispers to met to "keep my eyes on Christ."

This verse has really been on my lips this week as I go about my day. "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Psalm 119: 28 I am reminded that I must be in the word to be strengthened. I must meditate on it, learn from it, obey it and thank the Lord for giving me His living word. This is what will get me through each day.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Business.

It has been such a wonderful experience having a passion that I absolutely LOVE and that I can also make a little money from. I have been given the privilege to work with many families in the last 6 months to create memories for them through photography. It has been a blast getting to know others more, spending time with my dear friend Trishia and my dad who also love photography, learning, and using my creative side. The Lord has used photography as a way for me to heal also. Thus far, I have photographed 3 births since Olivianna, and each one has been an amazing experience in my personal life. I look forward to how He will use the circumstances of Olivianna's life in this passion of mine.

I have been so very excited that Luke is getting more involved in photography, and we have decided to go into this business together. It is a great way to be able to spend some time with each other.

Here is the business card that I created. We just received them yesterday and I am pretty excited about them. I am working on our website and it should be up next week! Our web address is http://www.groverstyle.com/ (but you will have to wait to check it out for another week!) Ohhh...the suspense!!!!

Frontback

I am very excited to be going on our church's women's retreat this weekend. The theme is REST.

This is exactly what I am needing. To find REST in Christ. To be encouraged. To meet new friends and be inspired by new people. I am sure I will have something to blog about next week!!!

Until then....Christ be lifted HIGH!