A Journey of Grace

2010-02-25T15:08:00.003-06:00

MOVED...

Check out my new blog at: www.groverstyleblog.com

It has been such an amazing experience for me to record my thoughts, dreams, joys, hurts, and daily life on this blog over the last 2 years. I began A Journey of Grace as a way to remember and reflect on what God was doing in my life during a very difficult season. After learning about the condition of my sweet Olivianna Grace, who at the time was 24 weeks in my belly, I was devastated (To read about The beginning). I had questions, and fears, and hopes and dreams....I had prayers and pleads and all of the "why me's???" I simply had a million things running through my head, and a million things weighing on my heart....and I needed to let them out. I needed the ability to look back (even just looking back to yesterday) to remember God's faithfulness in the small and big things.

Here it is, February 2010, almost 2 years from my first post, and I am still on this journey. Praise the Lord that I will be on a journey of grace until my last breath...and that He will guide me and hold me along the way, as He has been so faithful and patient to do in the past.

My desire to continue blogging has wavered to say the least. So often I have tons on my mind to type, but the discipline to sit down and do it is isn't there. OR, I will sit down and put all my thoughts down....get distracted doing something else, and come back to the post two weeks later and find that it doesn't apply anymore..(Making it very hard to finish the post)! These are the ones that sit as DRAFTS for years! Another reason I find it difficult to blog is because I often look at other blogs first...you know, the creative and artsy ones...and then feel completely inadequate as a person and a blogger!

Nonetheless....I am going to press on in this blog world! This past year I have had two blogs (my Journey of Grace blog and Grover Photography blog) in which I have been slow to update both. I have decided that it would be best to only have one blog that I can keep all my thoughts, creations, daily life recordings, as well as business posts on. This way, my photography clients can read personal posts as well...and I can be more focused.

There are parts of me that feel very guilty about changing the name of my new blog to LIFE: Grover Style. I struggle because it feels like I am moving on from "A journey of Grace" and the amazing things that the Lord did during the two years that I wrote on it. I don't want to "move on" from my thoughts and remembrance of Olivianna Grace. BUT I know that God will use this new journey for His glory and that those that need to read A Journey of Grace will read it through God's sovereign plan. It has always been my prayer and desire that others would understand the amazing love of Jesus because of His faithfulness in my life.

SO...without further ado....Please click on over to http://www.groverstyleblog.com/ and be refreshed with me!

Thank you my faithful blog readers for your encouragement and support these last two years!

2010-01-20T17:55:00.007-06:00

L.O.V.E

2010-01-18T15:09:00.002-06:00

Jude Aukerman Grover

January 10, 2010

3:06 p.m.

6lbs 11 oz

19 1/2 inches

*PERFECTION*

GOOD GIFTS

2009-11-23T22:35:00.006-06:00

My boy.

Jude Aukerman Grover.

I am so excited about him and am joyfully anticipating the day when he is placed into my arms.
My belly is growing, as are the aches and pains, but my heart is what is growing the most. My love for this little guy seems to be more real as the days speed on...closer to meeting him. It is real. He is real. He is alive and he is healthy:)

More now than ever do I just want to BE. I want to BE still. BE joyful. BE generous. BE loving. Be happy. BE content. BE a mom....and BE a confident child of God. I want to work out my salvation on a daily basis....seeking God for what that means and what that looks like in my life. I want to sit and teach Adi and Jude what that means in their lives as they grow and become more mature. I want to help shape their lives for the purposes that God has for them. I want to show them what good gifts our father in heaven lavishes on us.

Speaking of good gifts.....
Luke and I just came out of a very demanding three week journey in our parenting travels. As I have said before, once you get the hang of one stage, the sweet little ones change things up on you! Well this challenge left me feeling completely and utterly helpless and feeling inadequate as a mother. Adi went through a three week stage of fighting going to the bathroom. It started after she had a painful BM one evening. She decided in her mind right then that she was not going to go to the bathroom again until she was an adult. Her personality started to change as she became consumed inside herself trying to hold it all in. She couldn't concentrate, couldn't play, couldn't barely hold a normal conversation, couldn't eat....and wouldn't poop.

Every other night became a fight as we made her go to the bathroom. Often times having to use an enema or medicine so that she couldn't stop it. She would go on the floor, in her underwear, anywhere but on the toilet. Luke and I prayed...no, we begged God for healing for her. We begged God to help her to go poop. We begged Him to relieve her fear. We prayed over her constantly. Prayed over her bedroom and the bathroom. We researched this issue on the Internet and found that it happens often around this age when new things are happening (like a brother or sister being born), or after a terribly painful BM. I finally decided to take Adi to the doctor, as they told me on the phone to bring her in if it lasted longer than three weeks. The doctor told me that this could last for up to 6 months, but that I just had to be persistent with encouraging her to use the toilet, and giving her mirolax to aide in the process. I left the doctors visit a bit frustrated and discouraged, as I was hoping that there was a "miracle drug" that would fix her right up!

God was definitely teaching me patience!

In the evening after our doctors appointment, Adi got down from the dinner table and said "mommy, I have a tummy ache, I have to go poop." And what do you know.....my MIRACLE happened! As quickly as her fear set in, that evening it left. The Lord healed her of this fear that had consumed her for 3 weeks.

I praised her that night. I jumped for joy for her. The burden on my heart was released and all I could do was say "THANK YOU JESUS. THANK YOU JESUS!" for healing my girl. And as I cried this out to the Lord, Adi sat there in the bath singing "I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul."

What a good God I serve. His love is more faithful than the morning...and His gifts are mighty good. I praise Him for my baby boy, and for my big girl, and for blessing me with more than I could ever deserve.

May my actions each day reflect the gratitude in my heart for the One who created me.

JUST BE.

still

patient

kind

loving

gracious

generous

HIS

2009-11-16T22:36:00.014-06:00

I have fallen prey to the lie that being busy is being beneficial and fruitful. My life keeps racing by at warped speed stealing all energy and joy from my existence. Exhaustion and stress set in. My relationships suffer. My home suffers. My health suffers. My soul suffers.

How do I get out? How do I "come to me, all who are weary and heavy burdened?" What does an "easy yoke" even look like? How do I learn to be a branch and not a self sustaining vine? How? why? when? Please. Lord. help. me. NOW.

In The too-busy book, Linda Anderson writes, ""We enter the second, exhilarating lap of our lives, running headlong and happily past the mile markers of career, ministry, marriage, and children--adding as we go along. It works for a while. Time passes. Now we sprint, gasping for air, and juggling as we run. Obstacles pop up, and vicious winds threaten to send us spinning off the track. We ache with our efforts to run on dissipating fuel. Our bodies stretch and bend past capacity. Our breathing is heavy and labored. We don't give up, but everything starts to hurt more. And we don't notice scenery along the way. Joy fades. Our flagging energy focuses solely on the race, but we keep the pace, retaining the lead outwardly but slipping inside. We're winded, stressed, and losing track of why we're running the first place, and why we're running alone."

There has been a discomfort and uneasiness in my life for the last few months that I have wrestled and wrestled with. It began when God met me in the quiet and whispered into my soul that I am not on the path that He has for me. At the time, I probably whispered back "okay God, then show me," said "amen" and walked right back into the insanity like I had never heard a thing. But over the months the whisper has turned into a shout and what I once considered normal and livable no longer satisfies. God is calling for radical change to take place.

I am learning that sometimes the path that we are on is not far off from what God has for us. Sometimes we are merely steps from the path, walking through the weeds and the brush instead of the smooth and cleared pathway that He so graciously designed for our lives. I so desperately want that peace of knowing that I am where He wants me....but that peace will only come through my obedience to move directions.

And so here I am. After a crazy morning running around town. A crazy afternoon with a very constipated and uncomfortable 3 year old. After a crazy evening trying to straighten up my house and get Adi into bed for the 9th time. And a crazy emotional breakdown in front of her on her bedroom floor....I am surrendering. I am BEGGING God for change. I am pleading with Him to stop the insanity of my soul. Because I can't do it any longer.

I can't stand that I don't just sit and play with Adi for a good chunk of the day. It bothers me that my agenda is always filled up, even if it is just "stuff" to do around the house....because that seems to be never ending. I dislike the feeling of impatience when Adi is simply getting into the car, or washing her hands after the restroom, or enjoying her food. I get all pushed out of shape, like the world is waiting for me to save it or something. All I really need to be doing is focusing on my relationship with Jesus, my relationship with Luke, my relationship with my girls, and asking Christ daily what His agenda is for me.

Change. It is a scary thing, but Oh so necessary in our lives at times. I will learn to trust in Christ as He continues to mold me and make me more like Him. I will hold on tight through the journey of rerouting and recovering. I will REST in the manna given to me today. For He is faithful.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. it does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jeremiah 17:7-8

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. Psalm 23:1-2

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6

2009-10-12T22:00:00.011-05:00

Cousins at the pumpkin patch

My sweet Adi Rose

SF Zoo

Riding the Little Puffer with daddy

Crazy how life gets so out of control sometimes with all the small stuff that fills up my calender. Bible study, church, preschool, MOPS, lunch dates, play dates, doctors appointments, photography, family get-togethers, cleaning (notice how that came last on my list!!!) and on and on....seems like I am having to schedule in sleep time, think time, eat time, rest time these days...and even that isn't always getting done!
In this beautiful mess of life, I am so thankful for all of the things that I have had the opportunity to put on my crazy calender, and for all of the amazing things that God is teaching me in and through them.

In order of importance, a quick update on the "real" what is going on in life right now, straight from the heart!

1. GOD.
He is so GOOD and so worthy to be praised, and yet so often I give Him the last little bit of what I have left. I read this on a friends facebook post the other day and it stung down to the deepest part of me, as I feel exactly the same so often: The person who puts money in my bank account gets the first 9 or so hours of my day, the person who put a ring on my finger gets the last few hours of my day, and the One who put breath in my lungs gets a fleeting thought here and there. Something is very wrong.

Now I know this is not exactly what life is like for me right now...(the work 9 hours part) but it is so true with the busy work and "stuff" of life. I give 30% of my time to Adi (as she requires it!), 20% to Luke, 20% to computer and photography, 10% of my time to friends, 10% to myself, 5% to cleaning, and a little tiny 5% to my heavenly father who created me. UGGGHHHH, it makes me so sick....and yet I do so little to change my lifestyle.
I thank the Lord that He is patient with me, and that He loves me and desires for me to grow. Please please please Lord, don't leave me like this. I want to be more like you. Help me.

2. My family
Ahh, I absolutely love love love my sweet family. I am always in awe of how God brought Luke and I together and how He has blessed us with sweet Adi Rose, Olivianna Grace and Ava June. Although we have been very very busy, we have been enjoying life! Luke and I have been doing a lot of photography together this last month and that has been a blast.

Adi has had a rough month with sickness, probably a result of being passed along from house to house while we do our photography!!! She started preschool in the beginning of September and almost instantly (like within the first two weeks) got the chickenpox. She didn't get them very bad, only about 10 pox on her body. They came and went within a week and a half (all of those lovely stages...) and we made it through. I was dying to get out of the house as she was feeling great "besides the bumps" but we couldn't go anywhere. One morning I decided that we would go to the fruit stand to break up the day a bit. After she touched the grapes and the peaches, she sweetly explained to the checker and everyone in line that she has the chickenpox. All I could do was smile, put my head down, and place my hand over her mouth as we walked briskly to the car. I love that girl!!!

My heart still breaks over my precious Olivianna Grace. So often I find myself imaging what life would be like if she were with us. She would be 16 months old right now, a lively one I am sure! Adi talks about her a lot. She reminds me that Olivianna is in heaven and that she is all better. That she is my baby, and her sissy...and that makes me smile!
I am daily praying that my heart will heal and that I will one day not feel like I have been robbed. I completely know that God had a plan for her life. That their was a very specific purpose that her 11 minutes fulfilled. That she is in a much better place. That many many amazing things have and will come because of her life....
But so often I feel robbed. Like "life is not fair" that I can not hold her and love on her and watch her grow. It is almost as if I can't let go of who she would be right now. And it hurts.

Luke and I are joyfully and so anxiously awaiting for little Ava June to come into the world. These last 25 weeks have seemed to go by very slowly as I long to hold my baby in my arms. I imagine the day when we walk out of the hospital with her alive. I can't wait...I even dream about it. It will be a day of complete celebration and joy. My heart will be overwhelmed. I will cherish her and hold her and rock her and wake up with a smile on my face at 2 a.m when she wants to eat because she will be alive. It will be cold though, and I will be tired (so remind me of this post when I complain, okay?)

At our last doctors visit 3 weeks ago, we found out that I have partial placenta previa (my uterus is covering part of my cervix) and therefore I will be monitored closely to see if it moves. We are praying that it moves away from the cervix and that I will not be put on bed rest during Christmas and that I can have a natural birth. Nonetheless, I told Dr. A that he can get Ava June out of me anyway he wants to (my nose, my legs, my tummy), just get her out healthy and I will be happy! We know and trust that God will take care of us and that we can completely trust in whatever He has for us.

3. Photography.
It has been an amazing year of growing our skill and our business. I never would have thought last year that we would be doing weddings and numerous shoots a week and keeping extremely busy with it. We have definitely enjoyed getting to know people and especially have enjoyed doing something that we love together! It has been a blast. Here are a couple sneak peeks from the last two weddings we shot.

Beautiful Carla and Paul

Lovely Amanda and John

We have about 8 more family sessions and some senior shoots, and I think we will be done for the fall!!! I am imagining by the 8th of November (my last session) I will be pooooooped, both physically and mentally! We have been excited to have so many amazing families and opportunities this year. Thank YOU, to our wonderful clients!

Well, MOPS is in the morning and so I better finish up. My last two blog post that I began I saved as drafts and never got them up. Always seems difficult to end these things!

Hopefully by the time I blog again, I will have something very exciting to share with everyone! I am having a hard time keeping quiet about it, as it blesses me SO much............

Until then...CHRIST be lifted HIGH!

ALIVE

2009-08-30T23:04:00.003-05:00

I held my breath, Adi and Luke by my side, as the warm jelly was applied to my growing baby bump. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I hadn't really slept well in days, just waiting in anticipation for what was ahead....waiting and "taking heart!"

The heartbeat.....check. The body movement.....check. My relief....check!

Dr. A confirmed that our baby looked healthy and that the spine and diaphragm were in place. Peace flooded my body as we were affirmed that this pregnancy looks good. That this precious baby girl, sweet Ava June...or "baby June" as Adi calls her is ALIVE.

I praise the Lord for His goodness and mercy in my life. I praise Him for Adi, for Olivianna, for Ava, and especially for Luke. I praise Him for the good days, and the bad, and for the journey that He has walked us (and carried us) through these last few years.

Thank you Jesus!!!! You are GOOD.

The UNKNOWNS

2009-08-26T15:20:00.003-05:00

Life is full of unknowns. It is full of reasons to fear and be worried, full of dangerous things and not so nice people, full of hardships and trials and blah situations. These last few weeks for me, it has been full of the unknowns of a healthy baby, the fear of sickness and death, the fear of bad news waiting around each corner.

In this life you will have many trials....but TAKE HEART, I have overcome the world! John 16:33

I have been thinking about this verse and wrestling with what "TAKE HEART" really means?
Does it mean to put on a happy christian face and pretend that everything in life is okay? Does it mean to try really hard to not be weighed down by the hardships? Or does it simply mean to trust and hold on for my life to the living God when everything around me seems to be swallowing me whole? When I feel like I can't go on one more minute living with my own mind...I must TAKE HEART and fill my frightened mind with scripture. When I freak out because of all the "what ifs" and "high risks" and "could happens," I must TAKE HEART and claim that scripture over my situations. When I can't stand to hear one more story about someones "easy pregnancy" and "healthy baby," or "hard pregnancy" and "sick child," I must TAKE HEART and remember God's love for His children...and His love for me.

You see, when I become honest with myself, I must admit that over the last year and a half, I have bought into the lie that God wants to give His "other" children good gifts, but not me. And then there are those time that I don't buy into that lie, but the lie that God is just waiting to throw me another tough situation to see how I respond. To see if I truly do trust in Him. That He always wants to be testing me, so not to get excited about something that appears "good."
So often I play around with God's love like it is a game of "give and take." I fail to believe in the truth that He has "loved me with an everlasting love; He has drawn me with loving-kindness." I fail to acknowledge the "Everlasting" part of that truth. That He delights in me. That He wants me to "TAKE HEART" , to "RECEIVE" His love and His goodness for my life.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 2 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.

Psalm 91:1-6/ Live under the protection of God Most High and stay in the shadow of the All Powerful God. Then you will say to the LORD, "You are my fortress, my place of safety; you are my God, and I trust you."

Romans 8:35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written: "For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the laughter." 37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

Psalm 84:11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, How blessed is the man who trusts in You! (nasb)

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me--watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

I am learning that "TAKE HEART" for me means to walk with Jesus and obtain His rest, His peace, His comfort, His courage and His strength each day. It means that IN MY TRIALS (Because I am promised to have them), I must look more on the promise of SPIRITUAL and PHYSICAL protection, and MORE importantly HIS LOVE FOR ME, than on the situations that surround my life. He has overcome the world. He has overcome death. He can overcome my fear and gives me the ability to walk through the fire without being burned.

I must "TAKE HEART".....which ultimately means to "TAKE ACTION" in His story, every single day of my life.
Only when I learn to do this, will I not be consumed by the fears of the unknowns....the fears of a fallen world. Only then will I be set free.

HELLO WORLD!!!

2009-07-21T23:37:00.005-05:00

I have been missing from the blog world lately....
Mostly due to sickness, and hotness, and tiredness!

Thought I would post a quick update to say that we had our 2nd test for our Full Integrated Screening tests (to check for Spina Bifida, Trisomy 18 and other types of birth defects) and the results came back SCREEN NEGATIVE. That means that everything looks great so far! Baby looks healthy and active...heart beating at a sweet 161 bpm and allowing mommy to feel better the last week or so! Praise the Lord for that!

Adi is doing excellent! She loudly proclaimed to me in the waiting room today that the man sitting across from her had a big baby in his belly. She said it twice, and then the man said to her "No, I am just fat." AHHHHHHHHHH, I was mortified. Adi looked at me and said, "but NO, he has a big baby in his big belly." 2 year olds will be 2 year olds:)

Luke is doing very well too! Keeping busy at work and working on things around the house. I just LOVE that man!!!!

Photography has been keeping me busy. I have been so blessed to have so many amazing and beautiful clients. Thank you Jesus!

I pray that you all (the couple of you who have stuck with me even though I have been MIA the last three months) are doing well.

GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME!

2009-06-11T18:57:00.001-05:00

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!

2009-06-01T15:20:00.016-05:00

E.B.B (Extremely Bad Blogger)

I have been a bad blogger. A very very bad blogger:)
So, it has now been 5 weeks since my last post and I still sit here with just about nothing to say. It is not that life hasn't been FULL of things to blog about, it's just I have found NO motivation to write about it. Almost as if all the energy is consumed in the event...and nothing is left for the debriefing.
I have decided to atleast create a post of photos so that my very few blog followers know that I am alive!

In the last five weeks we have....

Visited the farmers market a few times,

been busy "doing our work,"

gone to the park,

jumped on the trampoline,

spent time with family,

took lots of photos ...

Enjoyed nature...

and treats....

we have gotten hot....and cooled off....

we bought a new swing for Adi...

We went on a date or four...

We shot our first wedding at Rutherford Hills Winery in Napa, Ca. It was beautiful and a lot of fun!!!

Had a great mother's day celebrating my amazing mom (and being a mom!)

Spent some time with some precious faces...

...have been preparing for China,

and most of all....

have been EXTREMELY BLESSED by GOD!!!

I promise myself that I will not go this long again without blogging.

Until next time...CHRIST be lifted High!

2009-04-19T01:04:00.013-05:00

REST

The Golden Gate Bridge

San Fransisco

Our family (photos by Trishia Filbrun)

Tea party with my sweet girl

My little lady

Playing in mommies wedding dress

Favorite thing to do in the house...

We visited Olivianna's grave last week.

I am sitting at my computer right now, with a huge bowl of ice cream in front of me, nervous and scared to even start typing. Night after night I have thought about blogging. I have started a post, and canceled it too many times to count. I have become overwhelmed inside with my thoughts and feelings, and it has seemed too big a task to put my thoughts down in writing.

I must make myself. I must dig inside and try to figure out exactly what these feelings are, and pray that getting them out will some how will help.

I apologize in advance if I seem blunt or too honest. I guess this is my blog and though I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, it is kind of like my diary (open to the public) and it helps me deal and heal.

The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. One day life will be happy and smelling like beautiful roses. The sky is blue, the birds are chirping cheerfully outside of my window, a smile is on my face, joy in my heart, a jump in my step. And then suddenly something will change. Raw raw raw emotion cuts deep into my heart. I see a big beautiful belly carrying a baby, I hear the cry of a newborn, I learn that yet another friend is pregnant, I start my period...

It all slowly tears a layer off of my heart. Sometimes ripping it quickly, sometimes so slowly that I can physically feel it.

The smile on my face is rooted in a deep joy and peace in Jesus Christ, but it is so often a reaction because I know that is what Christ calls me to do. To love others, to rejoice with them when they rejoice, to weep with them when they weep. I guess I am struggling to do both genuinely. I get scared to listen to the good, because it makes me sad for myself. I get scared to listen to the bad, because it makes me scared that something will happen again.

I am really having to lean on Christ and rest in Him. His promises for me. His plan for my life. His purposes and protection. My eyes start looking down so often and the Holy Spirit quietly whispers to met to "keep my eyes on Christ."

This verse has really been on my lips this week as I go about my day. "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Psalm 119: 28 I am reminded that I must be in the word to be strengthened. I must meditate on it, learn from it, obey it and thank the Lord for giving me His living word. This is what will get me through each day.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Business.

It has been such a wonderful experience having a passion that I absolutely LOVE and that I can also make a little money from. I have been given the privilege to work with many families in the last 6 months to create memories for them through photography. It has been a blast getting to know others more, spending time with my dear friend Trishia and my dad who also love photography, learning, and using my creative side. The Lord has used photography as a way for me to heal also. Thus far, I have photographed 3 births since Olivianna, and each one has been an amazing experience in my personal life. I look forward to how He will use the circumstances of Olivianna's life in this passion of mine.

I have been so very excited that Luke is getting more involved in photography, and we have decided to go into this business together. It is a great way to be able to spend some time with each other.

Here is the business card that I created. We just received them yesterday and I am pretty excited about them. I am working on our website and it should be up next week! Our web address is http://www.groverstyle.com/ (but you will have to wait to check it out for another week!) Ohhh...the suspense!!!!

Frontback

I am very excited to be going on our church's women's retreat this weekend. The theme is REST.

This is exactly what I am needing. To find REST in Christ. To be encouraged. To meet new friends and be inspired by new people. I am sure I will have something to blog about next week!!!

Until then....Christ be lifted HIGH!

2009-04-13T23:20:00.003-05:00

Easter 2009

He has risen! Praise Jesus!

2009-03-30T01:25:00.006-05:00

Quick Post:

Our date night was a blast! I surprised Luke and took him to dinner (sushi) and the West Lake Acrobats of China (at the Gallo Center for the Arts). It was an amazing evening. Luke was very surprised, especially since I had to fib even to Adi to keep it a secret! The food was great, the entertainment incredible and my date...well let me just say that I have one HOT husband;)

The weather has been so lovely and I have been glad to spend more time outside. The sun was warm on Saturday and so we decided that it was time to bring out the little pool. Adi had a great time playing and splashing around. Here are a few of my favorites...

and just for fun....

Adi summer 07

Adi Summer 08

2009-03-28T16:53:00.008-05:00

Time flies.

I sat outside this afternoon watching Adi swim in her little pool and reminisced on this last year. Actually, I reminisced on the last 4 1/2 years of marriage and the journey that we have been on. I thought about the feeling of dating my sweet Luke. The anticipation of waiting for him to pick me up for a date, or waiting for his call. The joy when he told me that I looked beautiful, and the giddiness I felt when he would whisper sweet nothings into my ear. From the day he asked to date me, my heart was his.

I thought about the nights that we would lay in bed after a year of marriage and talk about wanting a child. We knew that a baby would completely change our lives and we felt like we were ready. Adalin Rose was born and my oh my was that a blessed day! My little 7pd 12 ounce girl came squealing into the world and completely changed our capacity to love forever.

I thought about the first year of her life. All of the ups and downs of having a newborn. She was quite the "easy" baby, but there were still days that I thought to myself, "why do woman have more than one of these?"

I thought about how the Lord blessed our desire to have another baby so very quickly. Within two months (by Adi's 1st birthday) we found out that I was pregnant. Adi and her brother or sister would be 21 months apart, and that sounded perfect.

Perfect is His plan. Even when my flesh thinks it should be different.

I thought about this last November when I found out that I was pregnant again. The crazy emotional roller coaster ride of having yet another baby inside of me, and the uncertainty that came with it. "I am not forgetting you Olivianna," I would whisper to her. I feared moving on, hoping again for a child. What if something happens again? What if this baby has problems too.

I thought about sitting on the doctors table the week before Christmas and hearing the doctor say that there was no baby inside of me. That sac was there, I was pregnant, but "this pregnancy will not result in a baby." Hope crushed. Again.

I thought about all of the people in the world who suffer from infertility and multiple miscarriages. I thought about my sister in love and my cousin, who have the desire so strong to birth a child, but have not been able to. And the defeat every month when a period starts.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Jer 29:11

I looked at my 2 1/2 year old daughter, and was thankful. Thankful for a healthy child and for the blessing of the day to day that I get to share with her. Thankful for the love that she has brought to Luke and I, and for the hope that we truly do have in Christ.

Each day is a gift and I want to unwrap it with joy and thankfulness to the one who gave it to me.

And now I must think about tonight...I have a date! I am super excited...because it is a surprise date, and those are my favorite kind!

2009-03-24T23:13:00.006-05:00

A lot has been going on these last few weeks.
Because I am not in the mood to blog right now, and because it has been 2 weeks since my last post, I will just post a couple of collages.

Baby Lucas was born last Wed, the 18th at 1 something in the morning. I had the amazing privilege of being his first photographer! He is such a handsome little guy, and mommy did such an amazing job birthing him. This is my sweet friend Christine's 5th child. Her sweet Charlotte is in heaven with Olivianna. To read her story click here: http://babycharlotte-4hisglory.blogspot.com/
I found this cool sheer hanging material thing (for over a crib) at a thrift store and put it up outside to see how long it was. Adi had a great time playing inside of it. We (or should I say "I") decided that she needed her pretty blue dress on for this play occasion!

Apparently it is more fun to paint on yourself than on the paper!

Last Thursday we had a fun day at the park with friends...

We spent some time outside together on Saturday...daddy and Adi love to hang out on a warm spring day!

Today I went over to a good friends house and we did some pottery. I made a tall mug that I will use for my iced drinks in the summer. After she fires them in the kiln, we will beautify them. Very Exciting!!!

This last set is from the amazing photography seminar that Trishia and I went to in San Fran last Friday. It was amazing and we both learned a ton. We also both won something which was super cool! These are from when we were goofing off before the seminar.

2009-03-10T14:30:00.011-05:00

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

Well, I totally blew it these last two weeks with my #11 of 27 things to do before I turn 28. It has been over a week and every time I sit down to blog, I think of a 100 other things to do around the house. I can get so scatter brained and before I know it, Adi is awake from her nap and I have gotten lots of odds and ends done, OR nothing at all!

Yesterday I was very proud of myself for going ALL day without ever sitting down. Adi and I went for a walk in the morning with a friend, in which she screamed the whole entire time. We then ran a quick errand to drop off my China Trip application (more on this later) and came right home for her nap. Although it was only 10:45 in the morning, Adi was exhausted!

We purchased a new armoire for Adi's bedroom from IKEA last week and Luke put it up for me on Sunday. Her closet right now is stuffed to the brim with clothes and Rubbermaid bins, so I knew that I needed to "clean" before I transferred clothes from one place to the other.

As the routine goes often...I began one project and ended up doing something completely different. I think I was on my way outside to put trash in the garbage can and I got sidetracked by the beautiful lighting and fresh air in the backyard. SO, I ran in and got my camera...and the 18 beautiful long stem red roses that Luke brought home for me last week, and started to experiment. I read in a photography book about making rain...and so that is what I did for a couple minutes. This is what I came up with....

Because I had my camera out, I decided to take pictures of our two bikes that we are going to sell on craigslist, and than I thought of the chair inside the house that is taking up too much room, and decided to bring that outside to take a picture with the thought that maybe I will sell that too. After I took the pictures, I put the chair in the shed, which made me think of putting all the other stuff that is on our side yard into the shed. So for an hour I did that! Before I could move and clean the patio table, I needed to get the 3 storage bins of little girls clothes out of the way. Sooo...I opened up that can of worms. An hour later, Adi and I had sorted and bagged up 4 bags of baby clothes. The nice items will go to Olivianna's Closet, the gently used to the thrift store, and some to Adi's cousin Lexi. Finally, an hour and a half before Luke got home (which I told him that I was going to get things transferred from closets) I decided I better get in there and do something. We pulled the bins out and all the junk that was on the bottom. Of course everything I pulled, Adi opened and played with. Luke arrived home, Adi's room looked like a tornado went through it (still does) and no clothes were transferred. I finished my day with some wonderful friends at a Mary Kay girls night party. Good food, fun conversation, free beautification (don't think that's a word) and an excitement to come home and see my handsome husband. Girls nights always refresh me!

Well, I am super excited! I have been given the opportunity of a lifetime to go on a mission trip to East Asia with a team of men and women who love God and love people. Lord willing, I will be leaving July 27 and returning August 8th to teach cheerleading at a high school with a team of other girls. Cheerleading is one of the most sought after sports in China right now. I am excited to find out why!!! Along with cheerleading there will be five other clinics going at the high school. There will be volleyball, soccer, basketball, ESL and quilting. Through these clinics, we will be able to build relationships with the Chinese and share the love of Christ with them.

It was really cool how the opportunity was presented, and I praise God for allowing me to be open, willing and ready!

Two weeks ago at Perspectives we had an amazing speaker named Bob Blincoe. At one point in his talk he held a little lamp up and read this quote: "If you cannot see very far ahead, go as far as you can see." The lamp was an ancient lamp that in biblical times would be placed on the foot in order to see at night. They could literally only see one foot ahead of them. The verse "You are a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path (psalm 119:105)" really came to life for me. He also talked about taking inventory of what we have been given, and ask God how He can use it for His glory.

So the next day, while I was driving to Ripon, I was praying out to God that He would show me the next step in this journey. That He would show me how He wants to use what He has gifted me and blessed me with for His glory. I poured my heart out to Jesus and proclaimed the truths that He has for my life and for His glory.

The next afternoon, after MOPS, was our church's mission lunch. Many of the missionaries that the church supports were there and we were given the opportunity to get to know some of them. After the lunch was over, Luke introduced me to the leaders for the East Asia Trip. Luke had met with them a few weeks before and had heard about the need for cheerleaders. He than told them that I was a competitive cheerleader for 4 years and.....God did the rest!

One very interesting thing I must add...before my miscarriage, I was due the 12th of August. I would have never been able to go on this trip! He makes all things for the good!!!!
I am so very excited to be used by God in this way, and ask that you please pray for me and our team as we prepare for this trip. With an opportunity like this I am going to need the prayer and support of as many of you as possible. Please pray for my heart to be humble and right before the Lord as I prepare spiritually for this trip. Please pray for our health and safety as we travel through East Asia. Pray for the team relationships that will be birthed and that we will work together for His glory. Pray that I can get in shape and be disciplined with my eating/working out so that I am in good physical shape to do the Lord's work. Please pray for finances to come in as I have to raise all of it in the next 2 1/2 months. And last, I ask if you would pray for the men and women that we will be interacting with. That they will see the love and light of Christ in our lives and ask us about it. May we always have an answer!!!

One last thing! My #13 will happen on the 20th of this month! I am attending a Tots 2 Teen photography seminar with Trisha in San Francisco. I am soooooo excited!
This evening I will be posting some photos of a family that I did a shoot with over the weekend! So very sweet!

and a few of my sweet girl....

Crazy to think that it was a year ago on Thursday that we found out about Olivianna's condition. What a difficult year it has been.

Until next post...

Christ be lifted high

For fun...

2009-03-02T00:19:00.000-06:00

2009-02-24T23:39:00.009-06:00

A beautiful poem that my precious friend Trisha wrote for me last Wed. night.

Moments

From the moment she was conceived,

she was loved.

From the moment she was created,

she was beautiful.

From the moment she was discovered,

she was longed for.

From the moment she was imagined,

she was amazing.

Through the moments of shock,

He was holding.

Through the moments of pleading,

He was listening.

Through the moments of grief,

He was peace.

When the moment came to deliver her,

He brought deliverance.

When the moment came to hold her,

He brought joy.

When the moment came to say good-bye,

He brought hope.

When the moment came to heal,
He brought comfort.

Through all the moments...

He was there.
In the moments to come...

you'll be together.

Wipe. the. tears. off. my. cheeks. so. I. can. type.

Let me back up and tell you a little bit about why this poem is sooooooooo special to me.

It was Wednesday evening and Luke and I were excited to leave in a few days for Santa Cruz. We had one more day of "real life" and than could relax together and be with our family. Before we could "check out," we had a couple of things to do...including get all of our tax stuff together and go in for our annual appointment. This was kinda my job to do during the day, but I didn't really know what that all entailed, so I waited for Luke to get home and we started on it together. We had most of our documents in a tax08 folder, except for Olivianna's medical bills.

We could not find them. I could not remember where I put them back 8 months ago when I was not thinking about taxes. So we began to search....in her memory chest.

We pulled everything out. All of the cards we were given, the journal I kept, some photos that were taken, her medical explanations and appointments, her outfits that I put her in, the bracelet she wore around her sweet wrist, the beautiful quilts and blankets that were made for her, the clay prints of her hands and feet, and the sweet curls that I cut from the hair on her head.

All of the memories flashed back in an instant. She was real. It happened.

And now I have a 3 foot memory chest that holds all of the most important things to me.

....and it sits on the bottom of my closet with shoes piled on top.

I went to bed very sad and lonely.

Thursday morning I went over to Trisha's house to hang out and talk "photography" shmoshmum (not a real word). When I arrived, Trish told me that she had something for me. She explained that the Lord told her to do something for me. After praying about it, her husband suggested writing Olivianna and I a poem. "A poem???" she thought to herself. "I don't write poems." But she did. and she does. and they are absolutely beautiful. and it absolutely blessed my socks off.

The cool thing is...we were looking in Olivianna's memory chest the same time that the Lord told her to do something. What a caring and gracious God I serve. And what an obedient and loving friend I have!

Thank you Trisha. You are the best.

***Trisha started up her beautiful blog recently, take a look http://www.trish-duds.blogspot.com

So...

A quick rundown of this last week...

Adi and I went to the Amgen tour of California in Modesto on Tuesday. It was pouring down rain but Adi and I braved the cold! She had snow boots on and was looking stylish! Here is a sampler from some of the shots I got.

Oh yah, my dad and I even made it in the Modesto Bee the next day. That was kind of fun. Section A12. We are in a small group of people who were standing on the corner of Sycamore and Coldwell (which was the sharpest turn in the Modesto part of the race). Pretty exciting stuff!

Our weekend getaway to Santa Cruz was very lovely! Luke's parents give the family a weekend getaway for part of our Christmas present each year. This is the second year staying at Terrace Court together (although Luke and I have stayed there alone, and Luke's family and his dad's family grew up going there.) It is totally 50's style and is just now starting to be remodeled. Quite the cozy little place to lodge!!!!

I woke up early on Saturday morning (early like 6:40 a.m....hey, that is early on vacation) and hopped over to the beach to take some sunrise pictures. The air was crisp and the ocean was very peaceful. As I was snapping away, two people from up on the pier started talking to me. I looked up and immediately tensed up. I thought to myself....I have a choice right now. I can continue to do what I came out here to do (learn and have fun), or I can STOP, listen and let the Lord work. I followed the holy spirit and had a great time making two friends that morning who are very very very different from me. Here is Laura and E.D. He lives on the streets of Santa Cruz. She lives in her car. God loves them and has a plan for them. And He wants me to love them too. He used my camera to bridge the gap. I praise Him for that.

The first shot after talking with them for a few minutes. (I was on the sand below the pier)

The second shot (clearly more comfortable and relaxed)

That afternoon, after all the girls went shopping downtown, Luke and were able to get out for a walk with our cameras. I LOVE that my husband likes photography too. I LOVE it even more that he supports my passion for it!!! Thanks babe!The previous post documents the weekend well (okay, I couldn't decide which ones to show...I am bad at that!!!).

Well, I am tired and probably need to be off to bed. Luke has been "fixing drains" in our house for over 3 hours now. The water will not go down in the tub and something is seriously messed up. I am sad that he had to spend his evening doing such a yucky job, but thankful that it kind of falls in the "husband category of things to take care of." If there is such a list!

I will blog later about my experience at the Art Gallery Walk and having my photo displayed at the gallery, as well as all the other things that will take place until I sit back down and think of something intelligent and/or witty to say!

Until then...

Christ be lifted High!

2009-02-24T15:49:00.008-06:00

"Never lose the heart & eyes of a student."

Gavin Sein

From our weekend in Santa Cruz....

2009-02-13T19:05:00.011-06:00

Adi and I had a fun morning shooting some pics for Luke for valentines day. I wanted to take her out at the beginning of the week to some cool locations, but she got an ear infection and has been much under the weather all week. The antibiotics finally kicked in and today she was feeling well enough to get out of the house! It was raining about 30 minutes before we took these, and when the sun popped out, we jumped in the car and headed down town. Adi was really only interested in the candy that I bribed her with. She ate probably half a bag of hearts, including a couple that fell on the ground in the alley. (yummy!)

Adi and her 90 year old great grandma (she came over to play)

Love

This afternoon we tried to come up with some creative ways to tell Luke that we love him and think that he is the most amazing man alive. Here are a few of our creations....

1. My love for you is on display...

2. My love for you is hot....

3. My love for you is rooted in Christ...

4. My love for you is yummy....

(We made the cookies into heart shapes...but ate them before we got a pic of them!!!!)

5. My love for you is relaxing....

My love for you is real!

I love you Luke. Madly. Truly. Deeply.

.......

This last week at Perspectives class, our speaker Jeff S. really convicted me of my view of the christian life. He talked about "Cat & Dog" theology, and how followers of Christ today fall into one of these categories. Cat theology is when an individual follows Christ but it is all about them. All about their needs, their wants, their comfort. Cat Christian's praise God when good things happen, but when "life" happens, cats complain, cry and their world comes crashing down. But dogs, they know that it is all about their master. They live to meet their masters desires, and live not for their own comfort. They want the greatest glory to go to God, and will live a life that resembles that. Dog Christian's praise God when good things happen, and when "life" happens, they bring God glory in their hurt, sadness, & disappointment. They live to give God the greatest glory.

And this is my desire. That I will live to bring God the greatest glory. That I will not strive to get people saved from hell, but that I will strive to bring Christ the honor that is due. That whether I am working, or staying at home, or cleaning, or babysitting, or loving my husband...I will do it unto Christ. That I will show others that God is worthy of my praise...and the nations praise.

I have been blown away by the love and generosity that people have showed toward the ministry of Olivianna's Closet. Our church kicked the ministry off 3 weeks ago by announcing (and having a flyer in the bulletin) about Olivianna's closet. When I walk into the church and see play pens all around full of new and gently used items that people have donated to the ministry, it truly makes me emotional. It is not about Olivianna. However, it is about the importance and sanctity of life. ALL life is valuable, no matter how short or long. This ministry is to show our community that God's people value life and that we want to be a blessing to moms in times of need. We want to show families the love of Christ by meeting their needs with the resources that we have graciously been given. If you would like to be apart of Olivianna's closet, here is some information and way that you can be involved.

Olivianna's Closet
The purpose of Olivianna’s Closet is to meet the needs of single mothers through the collective resources of the people of Big Valley Grace.
We intend to gather gently used clothing, blankets and other necessary supplies for infants up to 24 months. The goal of Olivianna’s Closet is to assemble care packages that will be available to single mothers in our church and community. This is another opportunity for the body of Christ to reach our community, being salt and light as we meet real, practical needs.
Gently Used Items:Blankets Sleepers Onesies Apparel Socks/booties Burp cloths
Newly Purchased Items:Diapers Wipes Bottles Pacifiers
Sizes: 0-6 mo; 6-12 mo; 12-18 mo; and 18-24 mo

Contact: 209.577.1604 x210

Speaking of Olivianna...

I miss her. Like crazy.
I look at pictures of her every day and hold back tears. "Not now," I sometimes tell myself. She was so beautiful. So peaceful...so sweet...so still. I think of peace every time I think of her short life. I picture holding her for the first time, praying out to God, looking into my husbands eyes as we both knew what was going to happen. I remember her sweet smell and soft skin. Her dark hair and dainty hands. I remember her button nose and her chin that looks like daddies. I remember praying for Dr. Altman as I held my baby. Praying that he would know Jesus the messiah. Praying that he would know the truth.

But I also remember the emptiness when they took her from me for good. The darkness my soul felt as I could almost hear the ripping of my heart. I remember trying to sleep that night and asking for a pill to knock me out. And mostly...I remember leaving the hospital empty handed. Completely broken. "COME AND MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL...." I would beg.

Thank you to all who still talk about her. You don't know how much that means to me. So often I feel that I can't bring her up anymore. Like people are thinking..."It's been 8 months Amber, get over it." It hurts just as much today than it did than...I just know better how to deal with the pain now. I know how to ride the wave of sorrow...and float on Christ's saving grace.

He truly keeps me afloat!

Well, Luke and I are just about to sit and relax together for awhile before we have to go to bed. We are getting up early in the a.m. to pick up missionaries from Indonesia at the Sacramento airport. We will spend the afternoon with them (eating lunch in downtown Sac) and then will be going to the in-love's house for dinner with a group of people/pastors from church.

It is going to be a good Valentines day!

Oh yeah...we bought Coldplay tickets today. The concert is in July and we are excited!!!!!

Until next post...Christ be lifted high!

2009-02-11T00:53:00.005-06:00

#11 of my previous post: Blog once a week.
Does this include my photography blog????
-I posted a couple photos of the sweet baby boy I watched today!

(Check em out!!! -Grover Photography)

Here are a couple photos my beautiful friend Trisha took of me a couple weeks ago.

Thanks Trisha

.....remember this scale????

Precious....

2009-02-03T17:08:00.023-06:00

Where have the last three weeks gone????
Let's see...they have gone to the important things in life like my role as a wife, mother, friend and child of the King! As well as to a sick and very emotional daughter, a "to do" list longer than I care to think about, a delivery (not my own of course), photographing families, birthday parties, redecorating my bathroom, sewing curtains, framing my art, MOPS business, and shopping! I have drank WAY TO MUCH coffee and not enough healthy food. And on top of that, I am sure that I am an need of some exercise. I think it has been at least a month since I have done anything of the sort (well, my dance class counts...but one hour a week is Not enough!)
I am thankful for things to do! But so often feel that I need to just be lazy and relax, which is what I am choosing to do right now!

My dad encouraged me to put one of my photographs in the Modesto Camera Center photography gallery for this upcoming month. He is putting 8 up of his own, and I put one up! Next month maybe I will put more...for now I am just getting my feet wet! It will be fun to go on the Third Thursday Art Walk downtown at the end of the month and see it up on the wall with people looking at it. SCARY!!!!

I received a call from an old friend on Saturday letting me know that her parents were getting rid of a whole bunch of cool antiques that belonged to their parents. She said that she thought of me right away and called. WOW! Fun stuff. I picked all of the treasures up on Sunday and already found a home for some of them around the house. One item (the baby scale) I will use for photography! Here is a quick glimpse of all the goodness...

An old lantern

An old fan

My friend's grandpa was a doctor and this was the baby scale they used to weigh the babies on when he started his practice.

Adi and I had fun painting the beginning of the week. She was painting with Acrylic paint and learned the hard way that it does not wash off as easily as crayola washable! She had paint all over herself...and all over the table! I was finishing painting a picture for my bathroom and this is what Adi came up with....

We are hosting the first part of our MOPS and POPS progressive dinner at our house on Saturday evening. 34 people will be crammed into every inch of my humble abode! The second house that we are going to is the mentor mom from our MOPS group. She has an incredible house that totally inspires me. She does pottery and is incredibly crafty. Not only that, but she eats all organic...is super healthy and loves Jesus with all her heart! Talk about cool! We will finish off with dessert at my wonderful friend Corinne's house. We will play the newlywed game and probably laugh a ton! I'll be sure to take lots of photos!

A couple random photos from our week.....
fun curtains I made for the bathroom

painting for bathroom...

The precious little girl that I witnessed enter into the world!

Rhian Grace Heuvel- 7 pds 15 ounces

I was reading a blog the other day and really liked something that I read. This girl decided to think of 27 things to do before she turned 28. I thought about this and decided that I should create a list of 27 small things that I can do before I turn 28 too. So, after thinking about it and praying about it...here it goes....

Shoot a "trash the dress" session
host a giveaway.

go on a backpacking trip with my husband

Watercolor once a month

Have some of my photographs turned into postcards and/or cards

Buy and use a wrist camera strap

Go on an adventure by train or boat

Eat a lobster

Read a novel

Use a house cleaner once in a while

Blog at least once a week

Be an assistant for a wedding photographer

Attend at least one photography seminar

Spend the night in the backyard with Adi and Luke

Clean out the files on my computer

Play in a local fountain

Completely surprise my husband with something creative

Learn how to change the oil in my car

Bake my own turkey

Sew some summer dresses for Adi

Teach Adi how to swim

Make a home made video

Do a full body cleanse for at least 10 days

Take a full week off of the computer/phone and other electronics

Shoot one roll of color film, and one role of black and white film.

Make some kind of quilt (can be small) with all the fabric scraps I have

Organize a toy/clothing swap

I have about 10 months left until I turn 28...I will update when things get checked off!

Until next post...
Christ be lifted high.

Just for fun...

2009-01-30T14:37:00.002-06:00

2009-01-26T22:13:00.004-06:00

Our day in pictures

Adalin playing in the backyard....

and she's off...

Adalin having fun on my bed...

Things from around the house today....

2009-01-25T18:12:00.011-06:00

As I sit here in my cozy family room, it is lightning, thundering and hailing outside my window. God's creation is absolutely beautiful. My precious (and sick) Adi is sleeping next to me on the couch; her sweet snore music to my ears! My hot coffee mug is in my hands, filling the room with the smell of carmel and vanilla. Mmmmm, delicious!

I am editing photos in photoshop lightroom. I am creating my website and business cards. I am asking the Lord to bless my photography business.

I am being thankful.

Thankful for my husband.
Thankful for Christ in me, the hope of glory.
Thankful for friends and family. Thankful for this beautiful house that I stay dry in. He could have given me just a box to stay dry....but He blessed me beyond measure.
I am thankful for a father and so many friends that share my same passion. Thankful for their time, energy and encouragement.
I am thankful for our church and their desire to serve the community. I am thankful for Olivianna's closet. For the ladies that have put hours into this ministry already. I pray for the families and single moms who will receive these clothes and items to provide for their children. I am thankful that God has used Olivianna to bring about mercy and grace to His people.
I am thankful for life. I value it. However short or long. I am thankful.

What has been going on in my life lately??????

I have been learning, absorbing and taking ALL things photography in. I feel glued to either my camera, my computer editing, my photography books, or blogs on photography.

I have been enjoying spending time with friends on play dates and MOPS events. Adi has been getting to play with many new friends and is simply outgoing!!! I love watching her interact and grow in relationships as she matures and learns. She is such a sweet heart!

I have been teaching dance. 48 students to be exact. I have 2 classes this semester and I just love the energy of the kids. One class is a hip hop class, and the other a disco class. The students gave me a very sweet card on Wed. just thanking me for what I do and for allowing all of them to be able to dance this year. What thoughtful kids!

I have been cleaning (well, one day this last week!!!) all of my windows (24 inside and out). Adi sprayed them this summer with the hose, and they have bothered me since than. I just finally got around to getting them clean. My house is just a little bit brighter since than!

Adi helping me wash windows. She is such a wonderful helper!

I have been wanting a baby. Or at least to be pregnant. My friend Becky just found out that she is having twins. My friend Krystin just announced that she is pregnant. My sister in love just had her ultrasound and they got pics of her sweet little baby. The size that I wished my baby was right now. I KNOW, I KNOW...God is in control and has a plan. I trust it and submit to His will for my life. Nonetheless, I still desire another child. At least one. Please Lord?

I have been waiting for a call from our good friends Jared and Kori (their maternity pics are on A Grover photo) as I am their birth photographer. They are having a little girl (Rhian) and due in 3 days. Every time the phone rings I jump up and think "maybe its time!" I am excited and a little nervous for this occasion; and very honored to be with them during the birth of their first child.

(I bought this fun photo hanger online a week or so ago and was playing around in a new program a friend of mine told me about. These are just some fun shots of my new photo collage that hangs above my work desk.)

Fun playing train with daddy!!!

Praise the Lord for who He is and who He is in me.

Christ be lifted high.

2009-01-21T22:09:00.002-06:00

My baby girl's headstone

Absent from the body, present with the Lord

2009-01-18T16:04:00.007-06:00

We spent a couple of days in San Francisco with Luke's parents on an annual business planning meeting. The weather was absolutely perfect (70 degrees) and the air was fresh. We stayed in a beautiful hotel, ate delicious food, had amazing conversation, experienced God's awesome creation and people, took lots of pictures and got a little exercise. We also did a little business:)
Here are some fun photos of the weekend.

China Town

The market

an alley...

Street Vendor selling jewelry

um....Eye candy!!!!

Reflection

The dancing ladies in our hotel lobby

The sun setting from our hotel window

Some bells hanging on the wall at one of the restaurants
Not encouraging the drinking of this stuff...I just thought this bar was pretty amazing and snapped a few pics of the bottles....

I love silhouette kisses!!!

A cool old car parked in front of the cafe we ate lunch at in Woodside.

I have been glued to my camera it seems the last week or so. I am learning so much and excited for where the Lord will take this passion that He has placed in me.

Therefore I urge you, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service. Romans 12:1

Christ be lifted High!

2009-01-15T00:24:00.008-06:00

My day in pictures....

Playtime with Adi and Creighton (making sculptures)

Getting sandy

My heart is full of....

Ballet with my sweet girl

Hanging out with my hubby (he is looking for bikes for us)

and now off to bed.....

Always be joyful in the Lord! I'll say it again: Be joyful! Phil 4:4

2009-01-12T00:37:00.004-06:00

I had a great time taking Jared and Kori's maternity pictures this weekend. Such a fun couple! Check them out....(Grover Photography)

I am looking forward to a new week and ALL that God has in store!!!!

Be back to blog in a few days....

Blessings!

2009-01-06T15:17:00.042-06:00

Adalin shot all of these photos. I would not usually post a bunch of pictures of me on here (as you know from the very few photos that I have of me on this blog!) But we had so much fun on our mommy/daughter photo shoot (and after playing around in photoshop) that I thought I would post some. I taught Adi how to stand with the tripod, hold the camera, zoom the lense and snap the picture. The camera survived "the fall" with only a couple scratches. The living room floor was a little more beat up! (teaching her on a professional camera is probably not the wisest decision!!!) We had fun nonetheless!!!

A few photos from the last few weeks....
Sweet Sunset from Bangs ave

Adi loves playing with her kitchen!

We babysat my sisters dog (Zoe) for 2 nights

A succulent pot I made for my living room

Quick like lightning!!!
Luke teaching Adalin how to build a fire

The life of a follower of Jesus Christ is an exchanged life. It is not a life we can "give," yet hold on to at the same time.

"I am crucified with Christ; nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ living in me. Gal 2:20"

"For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Phil 1:21"

I have been seriously challenged lately.
Over the last 4 months I have been reading (and re-reading) a book by Major W. Ian Thomas entitled The Saving Life of Christ. The Lord has been using this book in my life to transform the way I think, live and love.

Over four hundred years the children of Israel had been enslaved in Egypt, suffering horribly under the taskmasters harsh hands and unable to help themselves. They were desperately hopeless, except for the fact that God had promised Abraham 400 years before that He would be their redeemer. This is a picture that God has given us of the unforgiven sinner, not yet in a relationship with God Almighty. The land of Egypt represents our natural condition of spiritual death, and the taskmaster represents the flesh and its control over human behavior.

God 's purpose was not for Israel to remain in Egypt being tyrannized by the taskmaster, just as it is not His purpose for us to remain in a condition of spiritual defeat and brokenness, thus His plan to get the Israelites out.
God raised up a man named Moses who would lead the people out of Egypt as God had promised. If the people would simply trust in Him, and by faith rest in His promise, they would be redeemed.

"The story goes on to tell us that as God's judgement descended upon Egypt that night (The passover), God, by the hand of Moses, led His people out from Egypt and through the Red Sea. Because of God's miraculous intervention, the Israelites went through the Red Sea on dry land, but when the Egyptians tried to follow, they were drowned. So the enemy was buried in the place of death, while God's people passed on through the place of death into a new land and on to a new life (Thomas 38)."

Just as the Egyptian taskmasters were buried in the place of death, from which God's chosen were saved miraculously by God, so we as believers by faith in Jesus Christ are crucified with Christ, and our old sin nature (flesh=Egypt) is buried with Him there. "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." (Gal 2:20) Christ's death for you and me was not only a payment for our sins & of bearing God's wrath, but it was also in terms of deliverance and ransom.

This is Christ in me...the hope of glory. The power of His hand inside the glove (me), His strength for my weakness, His love for my hate and His cleansing for my nastiness. This was, and is God's purpose for redeeming His people. His purpose was Canaan, the promise land. Christ now, in me living victoriously through me as I submit my whole being to Him. He desires me to be ALIVE IN CHRIST today....not dabbling around in the wilderness day after day, year after year, wishing for what is to come. He desires me to live heaven NOW. To know unspeakable joy and hope, freedom and glory. To live redeemed.

And so we must ask ourselves....in which state of being am I living? Am I living in Egypt, as an unforgiven sinner? Am I living in the wilderness, a carnal christian who has received salvation through faith, has received the holy spirit, yet lives defeated and worn out, in "self imposed poverty" because I do not take for myself the power and resources that Christ gives to me because of His death and resurrection? Or...am I living in Canaan? The biblical picture of the Christ-centered, spirit filled life. A victorious follower of Jesus Christ living heaven on earth NOW?

I do not want to wander for 40 years as the Israelites did. They had only heard of Canaan, but never experienced it. They were worn out...bored and useless. I was "redeemed" so that Christ might have His inheritance now, in me, on the way to heaven. (My life).

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is true worship. Romans 12:1

...you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Cor 6:20

If then you have been raised with Christ [to a new life, thus sharing His resurrection from the dead], aim at and seek the [rich, eternal treasures] that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. For [as far as the world is concerned] you have died, and your [new, real] life is hid with Christ in God (Col 3:1,3) [bracketing written by W. Ian Thomas]

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. Ephesians 2:10 This can only be accomplished in the power and complete energy of Christ in me, as He walked once only in the power and complete energy of the Father who indwelt Him through the spirit. I can do nothing without Him.

But, oh how I try. There are days in the week that I get up out of bed, take care of myself and Adi, get things done around the house, encourage friends, lead a ministry, teach a group of elementary kids, foster a marriage, be a faithful wife, loving mother and loyal friend.....ALL ON MY OWN. I strive, I work, and I most often fail.

"It is for you to be-it is for Him to do! Restfully available to the Saving Life of Christ, enjoying "the richest measure of the divine Presence, a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself," instantly obedient to the heavenly impulses-this is your vocation, and this is your victory!(Thomas 143)."

“Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it. John 14:12-13"

Do you know this Christ of who I put my hope in? Do you really know Him? or just of Him? If you will put your trust in Jesus Christ, not only for the horrible death He died in order to redeem you, but also for the life that He so perfectly lived and wants to live through you, your life will forever be changed. You will be born new, filled with the holy spirit, reconciled to God through faith in Jesus Christ, and given access to the very energy and power of God Himself.

Phil 1:6............Be confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ,...

a rose from Olivianna's garden....

We got a call today from the place that made Olivianna's headstone. They said that it is at the cemetary and in place. I will go tomorrow and spend a little time there. God can make ALL things beautiful.
Until next post....Christ be lifted High.
Blessings

2008-12-28T13:39:00.010-06:00

Life has been pretty crazy for our family this last week.

We celebrated a wonderful Christmas eve with Luke's family this year. We started off by bringing flowers and a small tree to Olivianna's grave site. She would have been 6 months on the 24th. How a half a year flies by....
That was a sweet time for me, as I have missed her more and more as time goes by. That evening we ate lots of yummy food and way toooooo many yummy desserts, opened presents and spent some time remembering the reason why we celebrate Christmas. The birth of our Lord and Savior.

On Christmas day we traveled up to Sonora to my brother and sister in loves house. They live on 3 acres of absolute beauty in the rolling hill country. It didn't snow, but we sure had a lot of hail and stormy weather!
Once again, we had an amazing meal, ate lots of desserts, opened way too many presents and took lots of pictures. The 3 little ones had so much fun playing with each others new toys, dancing, and going for a cold walk with nanny and papa! It was a great day!

Adi singing "jingle bells"

Adi and Lexi laying down for a little rest together

I was in bed that Christmas evening by 7:15 and did not wake up until about 8:45 the next morning. I guess I really needed my sleep. On Friday morning we got a call from the doctor once again confirming that all of my blood tests came back stating a failed pregnancy. This started my weekend of depression. I was trying not to be bumbed out...but all I could think of was how this year has continued to present itself with pretty stinky things. Finding out about Olivianna in the beginning of March. Our house getting shot up in the end of March, a funeral in June, a robbery in September, a failed pregnancy in Nov/December...and with only 60 hours left of the year...another morning in the hospital for a D&C (more on that later;).

On Saturday morning we woke up early and met up with Luke's family to go on an adventure. We drove to Yosemite to go on a sleigh ride in the winter wonderland! Luke's grammy and papa are from Oregon and drove down to spend Christmas here this year. One of the items on grammy's bucket list is to go on a real horse drawn sleigh ride. Part of her Christmas present from the family was this adventure.

The weather was absolutely beautiful on Saturday. We boarded the sleigh and got all warmed up in the blankets ready for the ride. The two Belgian work horses pulled us for about 25 minutes until we reached the half way point where there was a fire and hot apple cider waiting for us. We had a little break (picture time!!!) and than got back on the sleigh for another 25 minutes of more downhill sleighing. I highly recommend this to ALL. (It departs at Tenaya lodge right outside of the Yosemite gate). We finished the day with a delicious meal at a Mexican restaurant and headed home. It was a long, yet lovely day!

Rick & Rex were the horses names

Adi going through gigi's purse

Sunday was my hard day. I woke up not wanting to get up out of bed. Do you ever have those days that you lay in bed and think....I will just sleep all of this sadness and disappointment away? Well, that is what I wanted to do. I was dreading what was coming Monday morning, dreading how I was feeling, and honestly dreading that I had one more day to be around a whole lot of people.

... but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Praise the Lord that He did not allow me to have this attitude all day. He truly renewed my strength and brought peace to my heart.

Sunday was the day that we had our Balsbaugh family Christmas. Once again....we ate lots of food...opened presents....spent time in communion and remembering Christs birth and Resurrection...ate lots of dessert...and finished the day off with some card games. It ended up being a great afternoon.

Monday morning. 8:00 a.m. Memorial hospital.

I had my D&C performed by my wonderful doctor. All of the nurses were very sensitive and sorry that I had to be back in the hospital under this situation. The procedure went well, lasting about 45 minutes. Because of the anesthesia, I came home and slept the day away. My amazing husband took care of me, as did my MOPS friends that I was privileged to spend some time with in the evening.
I am just so glad that this is all behind me.

With all of that said....I have been thinking a lot lately about how I am praying to have a much better year in 2009. Although over and over I am reminded that I am not guaranteed a better 2009. I am guaranteed life in Christ. I am guaranteed His love, His salvation, His inheritance, His rest....but not an easy 2009.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

I am the bread of life;no one who comes to me will ever hunger,and no one who believes in me will ever thirst. John 6:35

What will separate us from the love of Christ?Will trouble, or hardship, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or the sword?No, in all these things we triumph victoriously through him who loved us. For I am certain that neither death nor life, neither angels nor principalities, neither present things, nor future things,nor powers, neither height nor depth, nor any other creature, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.Romans 8:35, 37- 39

I pray that my eyes will be fixed on Jesus this year. That my faith will be strengthened and renewed each day. That my witness will be pure and glorifying to the Lord. That I will be a light in this dark world. That I will care about others more than myself. That I will grow in my walk with my savior, my husband and my sweet Adalin Rose.

I also pray that we will be able to have a healthy baby one day again.

Thank you once again for all of your love toward our family. We are truly blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives. We pray that we can be an encouragement and support to you in your time of need as well. We love you dear family and friends.

2008-12-28T12:54:00.002-06:00

"Waves and Ripples"

I was told to expect tidal waves of sadness, pain and grief. I was told the waves will come and go, and so far this has held true.

The tidal waves are strong, hitting with no warning. The waves nearly drown me in sorrow and tears, pulling me down with tremendous force. Tumbling under the heavy waves, unable to breathe or see, I am just trying to survive.

The tears flow fast and hard. The sorrow almost unbearable. I ride this wave until somehow, I am spit out on the shore. My body and soul shaken and battered. I am exhausted, hardly able to stand. But I survived. It had nothing to do with strength, only raw survival.

After the wave passes, another wave comes along, but this one is of hope and peace. The wave of hope and peace is much smaller, more of a gentle ripple than a wave. This ripple enters my heart and I feel peace. My eyes so red and blurry, can see again. My body so weary and tired, can move again. My breath comes easier. I can smile and even laugh. The weight of my pain and sorrow is a little lighter.

There is some guilt that comes with the ripple of peace and hope. The guilt that creeps in after a good laugh. The guilt of enjoying the company of friends. I hate the guilt.Then the cycle repeats. The tidal wave of tears and pain striking without warning. The small ripple of peace and hope. Then guilt. Over and over and over.

I hope that one day the ripples will stay longer and the waves will not be so large.

I hope one day, the guilt will bury itself and not be felt. Today I will continue to survive the waves of pain and float on the ripples of peace.

I read this on a blog of a woman who lost her daughter to triploidy just two months ago. It really rings true in my heart, as I feel that the waves come and go with great force. I trust that Jesus can calm the storms in my life and that He desires to do so when I keep my eyes on Him.

Matthew 8: 23-26
23 Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. 24 Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. 25 The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”
26 Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.

2008-12-21T00:13:00.013-06:00

He gives peace like a river to our soul....

Mokelumne River day use area (near Lockford)

Daddy letting Adi drive...we were going pretty slow!

Mokelumne Fish Hatchery

The steelheads were jumping

Today we took a very relaxing drive in the countryside. We stopped and picked up some of our favorite Lockford sausage, ate at an old diner, and went on an adventure at the Mokelumne river day use area and fish hatchery. The sky was amazingly blue and the red moss on the river's edges were brilliant.

We have been hugging Adi a little tighter these days and praising the Lord for blessing us with her life. We could not imagine life without her.

This evening we went to our church's Christmas performance called "Behold the Lamb of God."

What an encouregment it was. God came down in the form of a helpless baby to save the world from their sins. To give us eternal life....and eternal love.

Thank you Jesus.

We praise you this Christmas season.

My heart cries out...

2008-12-19T21:35:00.003-06:00

"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, Until these calamities have passed by" (Psalm 57:1).

"Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, For I lift up my soul to You" (Psalm 143:8).

My heart can do nothing but plead with the Lord to be merciful to me and to hold me in His arms as I mourn the news that we saw/heard today.
We could not hear the babies heartbeat. We could not see the baby. We could only see the 7.5 week old sack that the baby stopped growing in. Dr. Altman explained that this is a very unhealthy pregnancy and that it will not result in a baby. My body should "naturally" miscarry in the days to come...but for now we wait.

Please pray for peace for our family. And that this miscarriage process will not happen on Christmas day.

We are so thankful for you; our friends and family...who rejoice with us and mourn with us in different seasons of life.

We praise the name of Jesus Christ, for He is faithful.

2008-12-10T14:44:00.012-06:00

Thank you for all of your sweet emails, comments, phone calls and cards! We are truly blessed to have so many friends and family members rejoicing with us, praying for us, and thanking the Lord with us.

Today is Luke's birthday. I am so thankful beyond words for his life.

He is a kind man with a loving and generous heart. He truly loves the Lord and desires to follow Him in all things. He amazes me daily in all aspects of life.
I love you Luke Philip Grover. May the Lord bless this next year of your life. Happy Birthday!

I have been quite emotional since I took those two tests. I have missed Olivianna more in the last week than I have in quite a while. I keep reminiscing in my mind the 9 months that I carried her precious life. I talked and sang to her so much. I prayed for her constantly. I enjoyed her in the womb, because that was the only time I could enjoy her. And now, a part of me is afraid to move on. To love another baby as much as I loved her. To talk to and sing to another child....to pray for...to feel....to be a mommy to....

I called the doctor's office to make my first appointment on Monday. The receptionist took my name and birthday, and than very excitedly proclaimed "Wow, and you have a five month old baby at home!!!"
I thought that they would have inserted that information into the computer...Like perhaps, BE SENSITIVE, HER BABY DIDN'T MAKE IT. Or something of the sort.

After telling her that my baby girl is in heaven, she excused herself, and about 3 minutes later came back on the phone (practically in tears) and apologized over and over and over again.

Poor thing. I felt so bad for her.

My first appt. is on the 19th. Dr. Altman will see me right at 8 weeks to check things out.

Life has been pretty busy these last few (okay 6) months.

I am just finishing up Fall/Christmas portraits. (Can see some work by clicking on grover photography on the right) and looking forward to a little break. It has been so much fun taking pictures for families. I love the relational and creative aspects of it the most!

My dance class at Enslen has a performance next Tuesday evening. The kids have been working so hard and are so dedicated to the class and doing their best. The girls are performing a modern dance, and the boys a hip hop dance. It is so much fun to watch them....and sometimes funny too!

Yesterday at MOPS we had our Christmas meeting. An amazing woman from the church spoke and very simply and powerfully shared the gospel. She talked about the expectations that we have for Christmas and that we need to plan for the unexpected. More importantly, we need to prepare our hearts for the birth of the King...not just our houses, presents, cards, etc. Her talk was very convicting to me because I can get so wrapped up in doing "things," and saying "yes" to everything, that I forget to be still and prepare my heart for what this holy day is really about. Thank you Marti!

Praise the Lord for miracle weekend at our church. Big Valley deposited 1.5 million dollars into the bank yesterday that was given for the miracle weekend offering. Our church will buy a building that is located in the parking lot to expand the children's ministry at our church. God is so faithful.

From him [Jesus] the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
(Ephesians 4:16)

A gift

2008-12-08T22:19:00.004-06:00

I will exalt you, LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
LORD my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me.
You, LORD, brought me up from the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit.
Sing the praises of the LORD, you his faithful people; praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said, "I will never be shaken."
LORD, when you favored me, you made my royal mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.
To you, LORD, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What is gained if I am silenced, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, LORD, and be merciful to me; LORD, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.
Psalm 30

Praise JESUS!
We Praise Him for this new blessing growing inside of me. Joy does come in the morning...Great is His faithfulness!

We trust that the Lord will take care of us no matter what. We trust that He will sustain us these next 8 months.
We trust that He has good for us and that He is forming His creation in His hands with love.
What an amazing birthday/anniversary/Christmas/thanksgiving present. THANK YOU JESUS....WE WILL NOT BE SILENT.

Due date: August 12th (My sister in law, Tiffany is due on August 13th)
More details to come...
Time to relax:)

Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T13:35:00.000-06:00

We are truly blessed.

What a wonderful week it has been. Full of love, thankfulness, family and fun.

I was so excited on Wednesday when Luke arrived home from work because I knew that we would get to spend the next 5 days together. My favorite thing to do!!!!

Thanksgiving day was Luke and my 4 year anniversary. We were extra thankful this day for our marriage and what the Lord has done in our marriage in the last 4 years. We praise the Lord for bringing us together.

On thanksgiving day we went to my aunt Judy and Uncle Wes' house in the afternoon for the "big" turkey dinner. We had a lot of fun spending time with family, playing outside and (Luke taking a nap)!

We than traveled across town to Luke's aunt Caroline and Uncle Stewart's house and visited with the "big" Grover side. And finished the evening off with more food at Luke's parents house. We ate a ton, laughed, watched our wedding video, played a board game and enjoyed each other. A very nice Thanksgiving!!!

On Friday we did absolutely nothing. Luke and I pretty much sat around until noon...ate lunch...sat around after lunch...and packed for our weekend. (Oh yeah, we did take a little drive somewhere in there:)

The cousins checking out the horses...and each other!

Parker and Adi looking at the horses

Lexi planting daffodiles

Adi boxing

My Handsome husband!!

Saturday was my 27th birthday and Luke (the romantic he is) took me away for the weekend. We stayed at the Hilton in San Francisco right next to Union Square. Everything was decorated for Christmas and people were out shopping! We decided to join them and spent most of both days walking, shopping, eating, drinking coffee, and enjoying God's creation. It was warm and completely clear. Absolutely beautiful!

Luke and I on our wedding day. November 27th, 2004 (scanned photo..not best quality)

Here are a couple pictures from our weekend

Union square christmas tree

saw this fun car parked near the water

The harbor at sunset

Golden Gate Bridge at sunset

Silhouettes are fun!!!

I will tell of the kindness of the Lord,

the deeds for which he is to be praised,

according to all the Lord has done for us-

yes, the many good things he has done

for the house of Israel,

according to his compassion and many kindnesses.

Isaiah 63:7

2008-11-24T09:43:00.000-06:00

Thank you God:
100 things I am thankful for...

1. Salvation through Jesus Christ
2. Christ dying on the cross for me
3. My loving and kind husband
4. My sweet Adalin Rose
5. My sweet Olivianna Grace
6. Joy in my heart
7. Peace in my relationships
8. The living word of God
9. Grace
10. Good health
11. Luke and Adalin’s good health
12. Marriage
13. children
14. Adi’s fun and energetic personality
15. Luke and my relationship. That we are best friends
16. Intimacy in marriage
17. Shelter: a nice looken roof over my head!
18. God’s provisions in all things
19. Prayer: communication with God almighty
20. That God uses me
21. My husbands job
22. The privilege to stay at home
23. MOPS (Mothers of preschoolers)
24. The privilege to lead BVG MOPS
25. The people at Big Valley Grace church
26. My family (their love for me and how they raised me)
27. Luke’s family (who they are and what they do)
28. My parents strong and loving relationship
29. That my sisters and I are such good friends
30. Luke’s parents strong and loving relationship
31. Amazing friends
32. An amazing church
33. The command to love and serve others
34. Celebrate recovery
35. For other peoples kindness
36. Dr. Altman
37. Lori-Cae Reese
38. Christine Curry- for her selflessness to serve me during hard times
39. The ability to go out of the house without fear
40. The ability to drive and get from point a to b
41. An education
42. The ability to learn
43. The ability to teach
44. My husbands romantic side
45. Family that loves Jesus
46. The ability to see, hear, taste, touch and smell
47. Food in the pantry
48. Clothes for Adi
49. Clothes for Luke and I
50. Passion that comes from Cod
51. Photography
52. My camera
53. My computer
54. craigslist
55. The ability to dance
56. The opportunity to teach dance at Enslen
57. Fresh flowers
58. Christmas time
59. The desire to be thankful
60. Neils Toss salad
61. Good books
62. A desire for creativity
63. Spring and Fall
64. Colorful leaves
65. Ice cream in the freezer
66. electricity
67. My washer and dryer
68. My traveling experiences
69. for my 6 months with YWAM (in Hawaii and Thailand)
70. Coffee
71. toilets
72. Running water
73. Laughter
74. The cool opportunities that God has given me in life
75. The internet
76. Mint ice cream mixed with coffee ice cream and a little milk!!!
77. Sewing
78. Freedom in our counrty

79. Our new painted house and the amazing couple that blessed us with it
80. The ability to drive to SF or Yosemite and back in one day
81. Medical technology
82. Ultrasounds in particular
83. Thrift stores
84. Amazing garage sale finds
85. heat/air conditioning
86. A comfy bed to sleep in each night
87. The ability to be pregnant
88. The ability to walk
89. The ability to swallow
90. That I can go to the store and buy things
91. Safety and protection
92. Toys for Adi
93. That my family enjoys each other
94. People who die to themselves to accomplish Christ’s calling
95. Perspectives class
96. For caring and kind people in the world
97. That God created food to taste good
98. The ability to give to others
99. For tears and the ability to cry and feel
100. I am thankful to God for creating me in His image…for loving me…for saving me…for giving me life abundant in Christ Jesus.

God is good. ALL THE TIME.

2008-11-21T15:36:00.000-06:00

I had a very vivid dream last night.

I was pregnant with my third child. A boy. The doctors were unable to tell the whole pregnancy if anything was wrong with him physically. I was going to be induced the next morning. I was afraid and anxious.

Right before I went to sleep (in my dream) I looked down and through my skin I could see my little boy. He was beautiful. He looked up at me and our eyes froze.

Sweet Adalin's voice whispered "mommy" into my ear and I was instantly awake.

All morning I have been wondering how my dream would have continued if I had not been awoken.

Would I have had a healthy baby boy? Or would I have had another child torn from me too soon?

TRUST IN ME.

But she looks so perfect....

Trust in Me.

No outward flaw...
Trust in Me.

Why not more time???

Trust in Me.

I can't handle any more...

Trust in Me.

I realize this dream is most likely because of fear issues that I am dealing with. The doctors were not able to determine if Olivianna's condition was genetic or a 1 in 2500 people situation. While Luke and I have been trying to get pregnant again for the last 3 months, the little voice (fear, doubt, hurt) continues to whisper into my soul. I must be on guard at all times to not fall for the lies of Satan. I will not be in bondage to fear. I have been set free because of Christ, and I must walk in His promises for me.

If it was genetic...My God created us and we are fearfully made. He is in control. Genetic disorders don't happen by chance. He chose to create Olivianna that way and says that she is wonderfully made. He loves her just as much as He loves His children who are physically healthy.

If it was 1 in 2500....My God chose me! WOW, if you look at all situations in life as the opportunity to be used for God's glory, than I thank him for the 1 in 2500 chance TO BRING HIM GLORY. It is God's will for me to do this.

Whatever happens, give thanks, because it is God's will in Christ Jesus that you do this. (1 Thes. 5:18)

I want to wake up each morning and say "God, I allow YOU to write my story today? Please help me to be obedient to your plan. Help me to TRUST in your goodness and promises. "

This can be so difficult to do as my flesh gets in the way so often. But if I acknowledge to Him my desire for that, and continue in intimacy with Him, His spirit will strengthen me and help me.

I have been thinking lately of all the things to be thankful for in my life. Thanksgiving is something that we are called to do daily, not just on the last Thursday of November each year.

In the next couple days, I will write a "My thank you God" list: 100 Things I am thankful for.

What are you thankful for?

I pray that anyone reading this will remember to stop each day and give thanks to God for His blessings.
We truly are a blessed people.

Christ be lifted high!

2008-11-21T00:36:00.000-06:00

Haven't had (or maybe "made") much time to post in the last 3 weeks!
I have been keeping busy taking pictures :)
Check them out on my photo blog (a grover picture...on the side bar)

The family playing around one night....

John 16:33
These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world

Thankful

2008-10-24T19:24:00.001-05:00

Wow...another 3 week stretch.

So much has happened in the last three weeks. I have lots of pictures to share so this is how I will explain the reason for NOT blogging in so long. Where would I have found time?????

Adi's 2nd birthday party

I have had approximately 6 photoshoots in the last 3 weeks...Here are a couple of my favorites. (To see more go to agroverpic on my sidebar)

The Chripczuk family

Belen and Xavier

The Cline Family

I spoke at MOPS two weeks ago on Encouraging imagination and creativity in your home.

Luke traveled to Indonesia (Medan and Bande Aeche) for 8 days and arrived home this last Tuesday. Praise the Lord for safety and a very productive time. The Lord really blessed their trip and changed their hearts.

Halloween (Not my favorite holiday to say the least....) The cousins looked really cute in their costumes. The moms had lots of fun too taking silly pictures!!!

Could'nt keep a straight face!!!

My good friend Paige and Joey had their precious baby boy Landon Joseph. I was priviledged to be in the room with her while she delivered. It was extremely emotional, but such a blessing! He is such a handsom little guy!!!

Playdates...babysitting...birthday parties....MOPS planning meetings, MOPS get togethers....editing photos...potty training...keeping up house...

And tomorrow our house will be painted (exterior). I am so excited. I got to pressure wash the house yesterday with the professional power washer and it was awesome. Almost felt like a weapon or something (scary).

Anyway...

God has truly blessed me in so many ways. I am so thankful for my life, and even more thankful for life in Jesus Christ.

I am looking forward to life "slowing down" a bit after this weekend! It has been so busy and I often feel like I can't do the things that God asks me to do.....like "be still" and "be thankful."

I truly desire to be thankful each day that God has blessed me with. To be thankful and to praise Him.

Christ be lifted high....

a.g.

Names in the Sand

2008-10-22T11:55:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine sent this link to me last week. The name of the blog is Names in the sand.

This family started this organization after losing their son Christian Dudley.

They live in Australia, on the beach, and write names in the sand for those who have lost a child.

Last week, Olivianna's name was written in rememberance of her life.

Check it out here.....

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2008/10/olivianna-grace-grover.html

Thank you Jesus for people like Carly who follow the dreams you give them.
What a huge blessing to moms who have lost a part of them.

Heroic Life

2008-10-16T15:06:00.001-05:00

A Herioc Life

It has been almost 3 weeks since I have typed out any sort of feelings or happenings on my blog.

I guess I would say that my heart and brain are so full of "things" going on that I do not even know what or how to write.

The Lord has been at work.

He is at work in my heart, my marriage, my mothering, my friendships, my mind and my spirit.
He is stirring up things....emotions, making me uneasy at times as He opens closets in my heart that have been closed for a long time.

I keep them closed for a reason. Mostly because I am scared of the mess and chaos I will find if they are opened. And that is what is happening.

When I was in Texas last week for a MOPS Convention, Erwin McManus spoke some pretty powerful things.

1.My fears are the boundary of my freedom, for what I fear becomes my master.

2. When I fear nothing but God, He establishes the boundary of my freedom.

3. What dreams are waiting on the other side of my fear?

4. God calls me even in the darkness.

And so I must ask myself...what fears are limiting my life?

The first fear that quickly pops up in my mind is the fear of failure.

Failing myself, my family, my friends and my community.
"God, I know I can't do that...don't set me up for failure."

"Why should I even try, I know it wont be good enough."

"That is great for you...but I don't have it in me."

and the excuses that flow from my mouth could go on and on....

The world desperately needs me to live my most heroic life...but I don't because I am afraid that it will not meet their expectations, or mine.

Oh how I desire the heroic life.

I would be a writer.

A speaker.

I would share the message of Jesus Christ so freely because it is who I am.

I would say "No" to more things that did not line up to God's call for my life.

I would say "Yes" to the things that do, without fear of failure or how it will all work out.

I would listen more and talk less.

I would pray more diligently for my family and friends, give more to the needy, take in those who need shelter, love others without wanting something in return...

I would........................................................................

“For consider your calling, Amber: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”” (1 Corinthians 1:26-31, ESV).

To live the heroic life is to live completely dependant on God's grace in my weaknesses.

When I ask Christ for His strength, He gives me His spirit to do them in love and through Christ, and I no longer fail. I have victory through Christ's power in me. I can live the heroic life, I can stand on God's dreams for me.

God is good.

Here are a couple pictures of my Adalin Rose two years ago tomorrow.

Seems like just yesterday she was born!

Happy Birthday my sweet Rosebud!!!

...and a few of my good friends Jeff and Joni Griepp, with their sweet baby boy Ethan.

I miss you

2008-09-28T23:45:00.000-05:00

Olivianna,

We miss you.

As we prepared to give our testimony this last week of how Jehovah Shalom has been real and powerful in our lives, we remembered you.

As we stood up on the stage at church fighting back tears as we told your story, we remembered you.

As I lay in bed at night hugging my Olivianna bear...I remember you.

As I read stories of other CDH babies, I remember you.

As we thank the Lord for His goodness in our life, we remember you.

As I look at your daddy, I remember you.

As I look at your sister, I remember you.

Olivianna, we remember you each day.

We love you so much and are excited for the day that we will see you again.

I can't imagine how incredibly amazing it must be to be praising Jesus Christ face to face.

You are a lucky girl!

I love you baby,

your mommy

2008-09-24T10:50:00.000-05:00

A picture from our drive on Sunday....taking a break to stretch the legs!

It has been a challenging week both emotionally and physically. Adi became sick at the end of last week and had fluids coming out both ends! She is not the easiest when she is not feeling well, instead of getting sweet and snuggly...she typically gets cranky and whiny! While Adi is feeling better now, I am stuck with the flu. I started to feel sick on Monday night but knew I needed to be strong for MOPS yesterday mornning. It was literally minutes after our meeting that the achiness and yuckiness fully kicked in. On top of not feeling well, I am in desperate need of more sleep. Please pray that I feel better soon, I have a lot of committments this week that I cannot break.

On the emotional side....I struggled this weekend with acceptance. I continually felt like I was not being a good mom, wife, friend and leader. I struggled accepting myself I guess. So often when this happens, I take my issues out on Luke as if to punish him for my shortcomings and sin. I blame him for not loving me the way I want him to at the moment, blame him for my mothering skills (or lack thereof), blame him for how sucky life sometime feels, blame him for things he has nothing to do with...and absolutely no control of.
This is one reason that I need a savior. I need help controlling my anger and feelings. I need help in the daily living that makes or breaks my witness as a follower of Christ. I need help loving my husband (although he is about the easiest thing in the world to love!!!) the way he deserves to be loved. I need to be redeemed and forgiven each day...Thank you, Jesus!

An additional reason to be emotional....(in a good way though)...
I watched the video of Olivianna's birth for the first time on Monday. Pastor Rick Countryman asked Luke and I to give our testimony at all three services this week of how we have experienced Jehovah Shalom (The Lord is peace) in our lives. I thought that it would be a good idea to go back and remember the day. (Not that I have forgotten any of it at all, but I wanted to see her movement again, hear the words I whispered to her, experience the peace that Christ truly brought to us that day.) She was so beautiful and angelic.
Tears fell the rest of the afternoon as I hugged Adi a little tighter, wishing that I could hug my Olivianna too.

One year ago this week we jumped on our bed and cried over new life growing inside of me.
Three months ago today we sat in that hopital room and cried over her death.

So much healing has been going on in my heart and I praise the Lord for it.

Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again REJOICE! (Phil 4:4)
Whether in life or death, I am called to Rejoice....and that is what I choose to do!

Adi and I rejoicing!!!

This is the sweetness that happens when you let a 23 month old dress herself!

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassion never fails. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

2008-09-22T14:33:00.000-05:00

This last week I had the opportunity to take some photos of Dora and Brian. They are due in early October and are so very excited for their bundle of joy to arrive!

See more pics on agrover picture blog (on the sidebar)

Thanks Dora and Brian for a wonderful evening! You are a beautiful couple!

2008-09-15T18:35:00.000-05:00

Wow, what a weekend of learning!

I spent Saturday and Sunday with my dad at a Nikon Photography conference in Foster City. It was an amazing two days of learning, meeting people and inspirational photographs. I definitely walked away with a greater desire to push myself in my passion of photography. I want to be more intentional about my subjects, adding my own perspective and creativity to what I shoot. The seminar also made me realize how much I need to learn technique and forethought in my photography.

This morning I woke up and had an itch to capture precious moments. What better a subject than Adalin Rose! I know that I use her as my subject a lot, but I just can't help it... She is stinken cute and animated! We hopped out the door at around 8:15 and headed toward the hills. We ended up in Knights Ferry and had a great time hiking, looking for lizards, peeking under rocks, racing across the covered bridge, and finished our little adventure eating fishies with our feet in the river! Everything was a golden amber color, it was beautiful!

Here are a couple photographs I shot this morning. My goal this morning was to shoot only in manual (no automatic). This was tricky for me because I have started to rely so much on auto settings. These are not the best....but they were fun to take!

The holy spirit braugth me back to a scripture this morning that really absorbed into my soul. Isaiah 40: 28-31
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Last night Luke and I were laying in bed talking when suddenly emotion completely flooded both of our hearts. Why is Olivianna gone? Why did she have to be the one in 2500 to have CDH? Why did she have to have several abnormalities? Why can't we hold both of our daughters at the same time? Why WHY...WHY...WHY????

These questions make us weak.....

But these verses fill us with endless hope, because He is the creator of the universe...He does not grow weary or tired...He renews our strength when we trust in Him....and He knows the answers to our "whys"...and I believe it is to make us more like Him.

2008-09-12T18:16:00.000-05:00

Many expressions from my sweet heart Rose...

2008-09-12T14:59:00.000-05:00

I have been wanting to post this video on my blog for awhile now.

Thanks again Christine for all of the time and love you put into it. (Love you girl!)

2008-09-10T17:55:00.000-05:00

My Grace is enough...

God's grace truly is enough....and He keeps reminding me of it.

I will start by telling a little about our Hawaii trip. Luke and I had a much needed relaxing time away. For 8 days we slept a lot, tanned on the beach, swam in the ocean, ate lots of good food, read some great books, talked a lot, watched some tv, drove around in our Mustang convertible, took lots of pictures, went to a luau, snorkeled, hiked and well....just had a wonderfully refreshing time together. It is amazing how quickly I can relax while I am on "vacation." Not a stress in the world....

Well, except for the night that someone broke into our condo while we were sleeping and stole both Luke and my wallets. They cut right through the screen, unlocked the door, shut it and locked it behind them. Then, they graciously passed up the two cameras and laptop that were sitting on the dresser and went for the money. We woke up to the front door slamming shut behind them at 2:40 a.m. As one could imagine, after our house got "shot up" back in March, we are a little jumpy to loud bangs late at night!!!

So, we spent about half of the next day talking to police, the condo security/managers, cancelling credit cards, freezing checking accounts, fraud alerts and getting money sent via western union from my parents back home.

Luke and I prayed that we would find the wallets. We even went and looked for them (around the condo). The security guards probably thought that we were crazy thinking that we would fine them. We prayed, knowing that they were not lost to God, asking Him to get them back.

And...we did. We received a phone call that evening from my parents who had received a phone call from a hotel in kaanapali about a mile from ours. The night crew had found our wallets, with everything in them but the cash!
Praise the Lord.

Although it has been a hassle getting bank accounts started again, we praise the Lord that we have all of our cards back, and don't have to go to the dmv. He totally took care of us.

It reminded me that even in a place the world calls "paradise," we are still not "safe." We will only be free from the attacks of Satan when we are present with Jesus Christ. Then, we will truly be safe. I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-I have overcome the world!" John 16:33

I praise the Lord that we can still have peace and rest while in this world, if we trust in Jesus that His grace is enough.

MOPS (mother's of preschoolers) started yesterday and for the last 5 days I had been crazy busy getting ready for our first meeting. It went really well and I think that the ladies had a great time getting to know each other and having a break from the kiddos.

All of the late nights that I stayed up prepping for the meeting finally took a toll on my emotional health and I totally crashed yesterday. My spirit seemed to crash as well.

Seeing all of those babies at our meeting made me a little sad. A baby that was in front of me is 2 or 3 days older than Olivianna would be if she were here with us...it made me emotional to think that she would be about that size.

It made me miss her so much.

....so much that I had to visit her grave this afternoon.

It felt good. I sat next to the mound of dirt that looks the same as the day we buried her, and simply told her how much I miss her. I placed some pretty white roses in the flower buckets and took the old flowers out. God was whispering peace into my soul.

And what do you know...when I got back into the car, the song "My grace is enough" was on!

Not a coincidence I guarantee!!!

Another monumental event has been happening at our house the last few days...

Adi has not had her pacifier to go to sleep for 5 days now. She also has been going potty in the big girl potty. She sits on her potty with her book and concentrates so hard. She is also figuring out that she can "stall" when it is time to go to nap or bed by saying that she needs to go potty. How quickly they learn to manipulate!!!

We are very proud of her and are excited about this new phase. She is growing up so fast.

Well, off to bed. I seem to feel better during the day when I am well rested (who would of thought!!!)

Until next post...HIS GRACE IS ENOUGH!

Hawaii

2008-09-05T19:02:00.000-05:00

I just can't wait...

I have been so busy since we got home yesterday, I haven't had time to blog.

Here are some pics for those of you who just can't wait to see them either!!!!

I will post on our Hawaii trip in the morning!

Black sand beach

The seven sacred pools (The road to Hana)

Hottie

A huge hole we found in the side of the mountain on our drive

Luke inside of a cave

The beauty of the Lord

On our way to the Luau

Take me to the cross

2008-08-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

Two Months Ago Tomorrow

There is not a feeling in the world that matches the feeling of carrying a baby inside of you that cannot live outside of you. For three months and 12 days I learned how to deal with these emotions. I learned how to smile when people said "Congratulations, what are you having?" I learned how to live a somewhat normal life when I knew death was most likely close in the future. I learned how to rely more on Christ for His strength, how to ask and rely on my friends and family for help, and how to find joy in the middle of the storm. In the day of Trouble I sought the Lord:

Psalm 77
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands, and I would not be comforted. I remembered you, God, and I groaned; I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days, the years of long ago; I remembered my songs in the night. My heart meditated and my spirit asked: "Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand. I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds." Your ways, God, are holy. What god is as great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. The waters saw you, God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed. The clouds poured down water, the heavens resounded with thunder;your arrows flashed back and forth. Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked. Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters,though your footprints were not seen. You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

The wondering, the hopes and fears, the unknown, the need to make every day count, the prayers and pleads, the nights I cried myself to sleep, and the nights when I couldn't even shed a tear.

And two months ago right now, We laid in bed and talked to our baby girl. We told her that tonight would be the last night with her inside of me. That tomorrow she would not have the security of my womb. That she would enter this world, that she would have to fight....but we also assured her that she did not have to fight. She could go be with Jesus.

And that is exactly what happened...

The morning of her birth was so peaceful. I woke up early and took a shower. I got ready for the day. "Today is the day I get to meet my little girl!" I thought to myself. I was joyfully and dreadfully excited. Luke and I drove to Memorial Hospital silently. Probably both speaking to Jesus. Still praying for a miracle.

Our family was in a conference room just down the hall. They too were praying for a miracle. Hundreds of people were lifting us up to the throne of Grace. And we surely experienced the peace that surpasses all understanding in such a sad, yet sacred situation.

I must interject something right here...

I prayed and prayed for a miracle. I begged God to heal her body. I had faith that He could. I had faith that He would according to His purpose (heaven or earth), and I had faith that He wanted me to rest knowing that my girl was going to go home to be with Him. I never heard Him tell me that she was healed. As much as I tried to hear that...I couldn't. I only heard "Wait on Me" (see post http://groverteam22.blogspot.com/2008/06/wait-on-me.html)

I truly believe that is why June 24th was such a peaceful day. I was not waiting on my miracle. I was waiting on My Jesus to get me through. He truly HELD Luke and I that day. He truly HELD Olivianna that day. He holds her today!

June 24, 2008 1:00:43 p.m- 1:11:06 p.m.

LIFE

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
BLESSED be the name of the Lord..." Job 1:21

Olivianna's heart was flown overnight to southern California for a heart/heart valve transplant. I pray and trust that the Lord has "given" to another mom who pleaded with Him for her baby to have a healthy heart. I pray that one day, Luke and I will know which body Olivianna's heart lived in. I pray for that child, for health...for strength, and for that family to know Christ and His faithfulness all the more.

Two months ago tomorrow.....

2008-08-23T10:00:00.001-05:00

2008-08-18T18:59:00.000-05:00

It is all a matter of faith in a God who is Faithful!!!

Sorrow.

I am deeply hurting for my close friend Corinne. She went to her 16 week prenatal checkup yesterday morning and the doctor could not find the heartbeat. Instantly... The loss. The extreme pain and sorrow. The dreams that no longer can be held. Life forever changed.
Instantly.

I would have never chosen this trial or any trial for that matter. The absolute devastation of losing your child is at times unsufferable. Nevertheless, by God’s grace, I have been able to press into Christ and seek what purposes He had in bringing Olivianna into our life. I believe that He doesn’t allow anything to happen without a specific purpose. God knows what He is doing. He thought up her existence. He detailed the perfect number of minutes that she would live to accomplish His purpose for her life. He gave us the exact amount of anguish that we could handle to keep us pressing into Him- not giving us too much that we would become angry or weary. He flooded us with His protection, His peace, His mercy.

He has provided emotional energy, emotional stability, and emotional healing.

My God is good all of the time, and not only is He good- but all things that He allows into my life are for my good.

But it still hurts.

It still sucks.

God, why babies?

They are so innocent. So pure. So precious. Why do you take them?

Why? Why baby Cline? Why allow this to happen to another family whose first desire is to love and serve you?

You know how we feel. Your baby was not much of a baby. He was 33. But He was innocent. He was pure. He was precious. But He had to die to fulfill your plan for His life. Help us to trust in you...for you know the plans you have for us (declares the Lord).

I read this following paragraph today as I sat thinking about God's plan for my life.
What’s going on in our lives at this time could be God’s way of doing surgery on our souls – we just can’t see what the pain is sparing us from or preparing us to do or how it will be used for the future. It’s all a matter of faith in a God who is faithful. A God who doesn’t allow pain for the sake of pain – but has a plan even for the pain that seems unnecessary. We just can’t see the work that He is inevitably doing beneath the surface. He’s allowing circumstances that if we could see the outcome of His plan – we would say, “Cut deeper.” May we not miss what He intends!

It's all a matter of faith in a God who is faithful.

Praise Jesus!

Please pray for my sweet friend Corinne and her family. Pray for peace. Pray for healing. Pray for Christ to be magnified in their lives.

We love you Corinne and Chad!

Here are a couple of pictures from our relaxing camping trip to Clarks Fork. We spent 4 days enjoying God's creation. Enjoying family. Enjoying life.

Hanging out in the ice cold river....

Collecting rocks and sticks

Our family

Posing for mommy

What happens when you leave a child in a tent unattended!!! (my makeup)

God's beautiful creation: The earth declares His glory

Trying to get atleast one layer of dirt off...

Looking back...Last years camping bath!

My baby girl is getting BIG!

And a picture of my Olivianna Grace...simply because I miss her.

2008-08-13T15:02:00.000-05:00

Christ's Faithfulness

"Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it." The One who calls me to a life of righteousness is the One who by my consent lives that life of righteousness through me. The One who calls me to minister to the needs of humanity is the One who by my consent ministers to the needs of humanity through me. The One who calls me to go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature, is the One who by my consent , goes into all the worlds and preaches the gospel to every creature through me.

This is the divine genius that saves a man from futility of self-effort. If it were not for this divine provision, the call to Christ would be a source of utter frustration, presenting the sorry spectacle of a sincere idealist, constantly thwarted by his own inadequacy. (Exert from The Saving Life of Christ by Major W. Ian Thomas)

I read this last night before bed. The Lord knows my fears and my insecurities.
This morning I lead my first MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) steering team meeting and was quite nervous about it. Will I be organized enough...will they think I am "too young,"...will I be a confident speaker and leader...what if I say something wrong or forget an important issue....and on and on....and on.

While reading this, the holy spirit reminded me that I must simply trust in Christ alone. I must trust that He wants to live through me, and that if I allow Him to, every step I make will be taken with the very energy and power of God Almighty. I can be dependent completely on Him, and not worry about my many weaknesses, imperfections and the overwhelming "self-distrust" that often paralyzes my actions.
But how do I personally do this? How do I release my need to control and my independent spirit?

Practically....I must submit through prayer all of the craziness that goes on in my head to Him.
I must study His word and His life. I must imitate it.
I must listen...and fight the desire to do all of the talking.
I must obey...even when it feels completely unnatural, un-fun, or unfair!
I must love. Love God, Love others (especially those that might not be easy to love)
I must be thankful.
I must die to my flesh.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." Mark 8:34-35

This is truth directly from the lips of Jesus. Not a suggestion. He is telling me.."Amber, your cross will look different then others, look straight ahead. Do not look to the side, do not compare, have faith in Me that I will be walking with you. I will even carry you at times. I will ask you to do things for My glory, things that you might not want to do...or things you think you can't do, but I will give you what you need to do them. I will supply the power, the confidence, and the ability....but you must have faith and follow me. Desire my ways for your life. They are good, they are loving and they will save your soul."

Although my flesh tells me otherwise, I truly desire to die to self and live for Christ.

On a different note....
We leave for Hawaii in less then two weeks. Praise the Lord!

We are so excited to go and are in need of a week alone! I thought I would dress Adi up to get me even more pumped...she wasn't so sure why I was putting grass on her! (Auntie Heather and Uncle Mark bought this for her when they went to Hawaii in June)

If anyone has any suggestions for some "fun" things to do on Maui, let me know. "Maui is for lovers...RIGHT????"

Until the next time I have the need to put my thoughts into writing...
Christ be lifted High!

2008-08-10T00:36:00.000-05:00

ROCK OF AGES

watermelon eating contests with dad!!!

Lexi and Adi in the garden

My new bike helmet and seat!!!

After a VERY successful morning "garage sale-ing" with some friends, we had some fun with our finds. The treasures I found include...Adi's fall wardrobe for 25 cents each piece, a train set for $1, some fun fabric, useful craft supplies, and the find of the day (drum role please!!!!)...this bike seat in excellent condition. I absolutely love the thrill of the hunt!

These last 5 months have been like a dream; yet each day it seems as if I am emerging out of it. Some days I wake up groggy to life, other days refreshed and ready for the new beginning promised to me. I remember thinking to myself back in March, "How am I ever going to make it through this? How am I ever going to be normal again?" It dawned on me today that with Christ carrying me, I made it through.

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

I praise the Lord that He knows the "green pastures" and "quiet waters" that will restore my soul. I will reach these places only by following him obediently and submitting my will to His.

Tonight at church we sang a song that was extremely meaningful to me. It is called Rock of Ages. The lyrics speak the words that my heart whispers to God daily.
My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness,
great is your faithfulness, great is your love, oh God.
Rock of ages, you will stand. My foundation, till the end.
Never failing, God unchanging,
Rock of ages, You will stand.

When darkness seems to hide your face,
I rest on your unchanging grace,
Great is your faithfulness, Great is your love, oh God.
In every high and stormy gale,
my anchor holds within the veil.
Great is your faithfulness, great is your love, oh God.
Rock of ages, you will stand. My foundation, till the end.
Never failing, God unchanging,
Rock of ages, You will stand.

I praise the Lord that He is the ROCK in which I stand, the ROCK OF AGES.

Here is a sweet little video of Adi for those of you (great grandparents) that haven't seen her in a while!

A hole in my heart

2008-08-06T15:24:00.000-05:00

I miss my sweet daughter today.
Olivianna would be 6 weeks 1 day old if she were here with us.
I continue to repeat over and over in my head..."Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere." I know that she is beautiful.... and glorious....and perfect.... and experiencing more love than she could ever receive on this fallen planet. But I miss her. Until the day that we are together again....I miss her.
Thank you family and friends for your prayers, cards, hugs, dinners and even the mentioning of her name. It is music to my ears!
We are blessed.

Luke's Aunt Caroline made this stepping stone for our family to place in the garden. It is such a special reminder to me of her life. She almost did not give it to us because it cracked the morning of Olivianna's funeral. I love the crack because it reminds me that we live in a fallen and broken world, but the stone was rolled away...He has risen and has overcome the world. Praise Jesus!

2008-08-04T23:40:00.000-05:00

Fun in the sun!!!

A quick splash of happiness today was playing with Adi outside in the sandbox. Everything seemed so cute becuase I was away from her over the weekend. This was the first time she has actually wanted me to take pictures of her. She continued to say "cheese...momma, more!"

SO VERY SWEET! Thank you Jesus for yet another beautiful day with my beautiful girl!

Thank you Brian and Dora for watching her tonight so we could go out to dinner. It has been six weeks since we have been out to dinner and it was much needed! We even made a Target run and enjoyed not having to constantly repeat "Adi, don't touch that. Adi, stay in the cart"...as well as sing the itsy bitsy spider over and over again while people are watching thinking we are crazy!

Identity

2008-08-03T21:57:00.000-05:00

Now this is what the Lord says-
He who created you, O Jacob,
He who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

Isaiah 43:1

As my body lifted up out of the seat and my arms flew high into the cool salty air, I felt a childish excitement well up within me that I haven't experienced in years. In a matter of seconds, I remembered the days where there was no hurt, no responsibility, no baggage, no cares in the world. It was extremely refreshing.

While traveling home from a MOPS RV trip this morning, a friend posed a couple of thought provoking questions. How has mothering changed my identity? How am I different than or the same as before I became a mother? Who and what do I find my identity in?

As I pondered these questions, I became extremely emotional. I looked back over my life as if I were watching scenes on a tv screen, and realized that I am not the girl who I used to be, and I am not the girl who I thought I "wanted" to be.

My identity for so long was in who liked me. Which guys payed attention to me and what girls said about me consumed my mind and created in me a value that I placed on myself. I was a people pleaser, a family pleaser, a "me" pleaser. I needed other's to tell me "WHO" I was.

As I have matured, I realize that the only person I need to tell me WHO I am, is Christ Jesus. It is Him who I must find my identity in. I am understanding that I will play many roles, and have many identities, but only one will bring me true and lasting peace.

When I married Luke, I became "Luke's wife." I became "Mrs. Grover."
When I started to teach, I became "Teacher Amber."
When I became a mother I became "Mommy." I became "Needed." When I became a Christ follower, I became a daughter of the King

I thank the Lord that I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for me to do. (Eph 2:10) I pray that I will always find my identity in Him.

On another note...We had a wonderful time in beautiful Santa Cruz mountains. The weather was gorgeous and the company delightful! It was so nice to get a way...and I was refreshed and ready to come home and be a better wife and mom. Thank you ladies for a wonderful weekend. Love you girls so much!

Luke had fun at home with Adi. They kept themselves busy and didn't get into any trouble!!! We were all happy to be together again this evening.
A sweet pic that Luke took of Adi writing on the chalk board....

Good Night!!!

2008-07-29T22:50:00.000-05:00

Half Moon Bay

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. (Is 40:31)

The Grover family

Cousins

Parker, Adi, Lexi-Rae

Bike Rides with my hubby

Sweet Faces

What a wonderful family getaway!!!

Luke, Adi and I spent a couple of days tent camping with the family in Half Moon Bay. It was pretty chilly, but fresh and beautiful.
I would love to say that we came back completely relaxed, but with three little ones under 21 months, an 8 and a 10 year old, and lots of water, sand and dirt....we had our work cut out for us!

Praise to Jesus for grandparents and their desire to give us lots of breaks!!!

I truly felt joy while we were away. Luke and I went for a couple of long bike rides. We peddled for miles along the bluffs; smiling, laughing and falling completely in love all over again.

My strength was renewed. My hope for a brighter future remembered.

My relationships with my family strengthened, my heart happy.

Thank you Jesus!!!!

Called according to HIS purpose...

2008-07-26T14:40:00.000-05:00

Who I am in Christ is the best part of me. It truly defines who I am. My identity is found in His truth and promises for my life. I am because of Him. I desire His will, whatever that might be, because I believe that "for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

Over and over again this verse comes to my mind. I have read it in so many versions, studied it, clung to it. Nothing brings me more reassurance, more hope, more peace and more joy to know that because I love God, any trial, pain, suffering and hardship that I go through, will "all work together for good." I praise the Lord that His sovereignty works over both the good and bad in life.

Suffering has helped me to grow spiritually. It has helped me to be sensitive to the holy spirit's working in my life. It has made me prayerful. It has brought me to a place of dependence on God and a trust that I would not have otherwise. It brings me into a deeper intimacy with the One who suffered for me. I am learning to rejoice in my suffering. No matter what.

Last night after sewing group, I was talking to Luke about a friend who is going through a tough time. We prayed for her and her husband, and that the Lord would be Jehovah-rapha in their lives. I was pleading with God for this family. After we prayed, it dawned on me that we do not pray for Olivianna any more. We do not need to. We lift our requests up to God almighty, usually having to do with health, safety, peace, etc...and now we have no need to ask God for these things anymore in her life. He has answered our prayers.

We prayed for a miracle and she was given 11 minutes of life with barely any lungs.

We prayed for healing and we have the promise that she is whole and perfect in heaven.

We prayed that she would be beautiful and she was angelic.

We prayed that the Lord would use her life in many ways, and He gave us the opportunity to give her heart/heart valves to another little baby who needed them.

We prayed that He would sustain us, and HE does. Each minute, each hour, each day.

Praise Jesus that He works ALL things together for His good.

On another note, I did well this week with eating right and exercising. It was pretty difficult getting up at 6:30 in the morning to jog when I was soooooo tired. Nonetheless, because of Luke's wonderfully gentle pushes, I persevered!!! Thank you to all who have encouraged me.

This week starts a season of camping for the family. We have a couple of trips planned and I look forward to hanging out with family and spending time outside.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

The land of the beautiful

2008-07-22T23:06:00.000-05:00

Our wonderful day trip to Yosemite....

PURE EXCITEMENT

Glacier Point

Life is a journey

Smiling for momma

Adi contemplating the size of half dome

We had a wonderful day today with Nanny and Pappa in Yosemite. I hadn't been here since Luke and my anniversary in November. I was 8 weeks pregnant with Olivianna and I was very sick. The doctors say that sometime around the 8th week is when the diaphragm is supposed to form. I always think about that when I think of Yosemite. My babies diaphragm was supposed to be forming, but God had other plans for her life. He created her a little bit different for His purpose.

Yosemite is a beautiful place to visit. The rocks are amazing. The sky so blue, the valley so deep.

We started our day in the valley. We had a picnic in the woods, played in the water at the beach and walked to the lower Yosemite falls. Although it was hot, there was a beautiful breeze that swept across the valley and refreshed us. The trees were green and the yellow flowers brilliant with color. We finished the day driving up to Glacier Point. The mountain top. A birds eye view of the valley. It was breathtaking. I had to keep a very close eye on Adalin...as you could imagine!!! After our hike back down we finished the day with a treat (of course I didn't get one because I don't want to have to "work" it off!!!) The results of a yummy ice cream cone

Time to lose it...

2008-07-20T23:04:00.001-05:00

My silly little girl. "Sticker time"

Dressing up in mommies shoes

Adi's new "big girl" bed

My beauty

Last night I got on the scale. YIKES!!! I have not lost any weight since I had Olivianna. I am 20 pounds more than I was when I got pregnant, and I would like it off! Luke and I leave for Hawaii in 5 weeks. Starting tomorrow, I will wake up at 6:30 and jog for 20 minutes before Luke goes to work. I used to enjoy jogging so much, but since I had Adi, I don't jog. I think it is because I do not like jogging with a jogging stroller. (I know this is somewhat of an excuse!!!) Anyway, my goal is to lose 15 pounds in the next 5 weeks. I believe I can do that. If I lose 3 pounds a week, I will reward myself the week before I go to Hawaii with $150 dollars to buy a couple new outfits.

On another note...Adi has been in her big girl bed now for 3 days. She has not gotten out of it once during the night OR at nap time. She amazes me. I am having so much fun with her. It seems as if in the last week or so she has grown up. I look at her and am just amazed by the creation that she is.

"The thing is to rely only on God. The time will come when you will regard all this misery as a small price to pay for having been brought to that dependence. Meanwhile, the trouble is that relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has yet been done."

I read this on someones blog today. It really hit home. I am finding how true it is that misery leads me to rely solely on Christ, being totally dependent on Him. But that each day I am given a new opportunity and command to rely on Him again. I so desire to believe that I can do nothing on my own, therefore always looking to Christ for everything. These last 4 months have brought me closer to that place.

Growing up so fast

2008-07-19T00:47:00.000-05:00

Today I met with Lori-Cae, our nurse that helped deliver precious Olivianna Grace. What a God fearing, loving, radiant woman she is. Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at the pictures of Olivianna. Her life made an impact on so many. Lori-Cae and I talked for 3 hours; sharing stories, hugs and tears. We talked about Dr. Altman, and our desire for him to know Jesus. We talked about the way the Lord is using my life, my faithfulness to God almighty for His glory. Oh, how I pray that He will use this difficult situation to bring Him glory. I pray that it will not be waisted.

This afternoon I played with Adi in her tent. We read stories and sang songs. As I looked at her, all I could think of was how much she and Olivianna look alike. Thank you Jesus that when I look at Adi, I also see my other precious daughter. I wonder what she would have looked like if she were with me now. She would be 24 days old today. She has been worshipping the God almight for 24 days. "Better is one day in your courts than thousands else where."

Thank you Jesus.

Tonight Adi started to sleep in a big girl bed.

It made me emotional.
My baby girl is getting big. She is out of her crib. As we took apart her crib, I said to Luke "doesn't if feel like just yesterday that we were putting this up? Joyfully anticipating her birth?"

She is now 21 months. What a wonderful adventure it has been.

She did not get out of her big girl bed once tonight. We told her that big girls go straight to sleep, and she did! Obediant little one!!!!

I am off to bed. I praise the Lord for his provision in our lives.

Thank you Jesus!

To give us life...

2008-07-13T23:45:00.000-05:00

Wood Colony Cemetery

Today we visited Olivianna's plot. It has been two weeks since her funeral. My parents have been so sweet to bring fresh flowers to her grave. My dad even waters the tree next to where her body lays. (He jokes that the tree will be twice as big and shady as all the other trees that have recently been planted). I love him even more for this!!!

I do not have much to say about tonight, except that it was very difficult. Luke and I stood there, looking at a mound of dirt, and as the tears began to drip, we thanked the Lord that her soul is not 4 feet under. That she is in heaven, where there is only love, peace, joy, happiness and praise. We thanked the Lord for his salvation through Christ, a gift to all who receive it in faith. We thanked the Lord for our precious Adalin Rose. For our girls. For counting us faithful and making us more like Him.

I also could not help but think of how it must have felt to allow His own son to be beaten and hung on a cross. But He did this for us, so that our sin could be forgiven and so that we could have a relationship with Him. So that we would have assurance of heaven. Thank you Jesus for dying for a sinful people, to give US life.

2008-07-11T23:32:00.000-05:00

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is in work within us, to Him be the glory. Ephesians 3:20-21

Today I met with a couple of woman from the church who are starting a new ministry within the woman's minsitry branch at Big Valley. They called me yesterday and asked if I would be available to meet ASAP to bounce some ideas off of. They began the meeting talking about how the church has been praying about and desiring a new local outreach that woman can serve in and that women in the community can be served. They explained their idea of a "clothes closet" for moms to receive clothes and necessities for their children. Moms who are in need would have a short meeting to discuss their families needs, and then would recieve a bag full of gently used and new items to meet that need. The church would be meeting the physical need first, allowing for more ground to meet their spiritual need as well. They explained to me that this "idea" was going to the financial team and then to the elders within the next week or so, but that many things would need to be prayed over and figured out. I thought it was a great idea.

After they talked about the purpose of the ministry, they told me that the purpose they needed to meet with me ASAP was because they wanted to know if they could call the ministry "Olivianna's Closet." A ministry that will carry Olivianna's life on...a ministry that will meet the needs of other mothers. A ministry where relationships can be built and individuals can come to know the love of Christ and their need for a savior.

As you could imagine, I was in tears (as were the women)! All I could think of was..."LORD, USE HER LIFE FOR YOUR GLORY. COME AND MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL."

And I know He will!